Lyrics

I am so confused about life right now, and I am tired of feeling alone. I feel so far away from people even when I'm surrounded by people.. Even when they love me.


Lyrics from 2 songs are running through my mind:
"should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even they lead nowhere.." -Adele

"Even though I hate to admit it
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes
Christian folks say I should quit it
I just smile and say, "God bless"

'Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He'd understand a heart like mine"
- Miranda Lambert

zen

i bought a yoga mat on friday:

yoga is so awesome. i do meditations in the morning too. i have been really turning inward and trying to be more authentic, and it feels amazing. i pull an angel card every day (somehow it always is PERFECT), and then i read a meditation from this book called "the book of awakening" before journaling about it.

i start and end my yoga with a 10 minute meditation with 20-40 minutes in between of yoga. i feel like i'm really starting to connect with myself and find peace.

looking ahead

today i realized i'm a week away from starting my 4th month of treatment. i'm freaking out a bit, i have no idea what i'm going to do when i'm out. recovery is so intense but i'm so happy here.

i was pretty hopeless when i got here and pretty much was at the end of the road. i think that's what scares me the most about leaving- treatment was the only thing i could see in my future and now it's almost in the past.

when i get out i'll probably start a new blog.

thank you all for comments, emails, letters, and packages! i got two packages the other day and have to admit, getting little gifts in rehab is better than any christmas morning i've ever enjoyed. a therapist has to give us packages and be present when we open them, so there were a few of us sitting around waiting our turn to open packages and we were all giddy and laughing with anticipatory joy and happiness for about 30 minutes until we finally had permission to start.

i realized a few weeks ago that i'd be spending halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and new years in rehab. possibly even my birthday. fantastic. actually, so far the holidays have been great. i'm surrounded by women i really have connected with and grown to love. it's nice not to stress much about anything except healing and recovery, and it's also nice to be in a place where nothing really phases anyone.

the second night i was here i had this moment the was like the deflating sigh at the end of a good cry, the kind of sigh that signifies release and relief. i had a feeling i'd never had before, that it was so okay that i wasn't perfect, that it was so okay that i had issues, that it was so okay that i'm so not okay. the feeling shocked me, it's the opposite feeling i've had my entire life. so interesting to me.

last week we got news that one of the women we love who recently graduated the program committed suicide. the past week has been really difficult and has inspired a lot of really deep emotions and thoughts. i don't really have much to say about it, i'm just thankful for those in my life that i thought i might lose at one point who i didn't. also, i am a lot more aware of how keenly i love my people.

i miss my camera, i can't wait to be able to shoot again. prescott is so beautiful, and fall is lasting and lasting. when i can photograph things i will show you this new place where i'm at home.

this city is my church.

refuge

the wonderful thing about being in a safe place is eventually you are able to start to feel again.

i spent thursday in one of the therapist's office sobbing and screaming into a pillow which she gave me. i left a lot of snot and mascara on the blue velvet. she wasn't even phased by anything, which i loved. she took me to some places i've been afraid of going in my past, but giving myself to the process is giving me a future. this weekend is a jumble of emotions, thoughts, and discoveries.

i'm immersed, i'm alive, i'm in pain, i'm in hope, i'm in wonder. the caterpillar is starting to grow it's wings. wait and see, this cocoon is only temporary- when i come back i'll be more colorful and alive than i ever thought possible.

hiatus

a few recent pictures from my phone. <3 instagram.

forgive me, i probably won't post for a while. i'm off to figure things out.

peace!

camera

It's been a while since I've used my camera, and right now it's in storage. I feel very weird without access to it. I am itching to shoot things.. I have to keep pushing the thought from my mind.

One day when I have cash, I'm going to buy some prime lenses and an even better camera body. Oh! I could do so many lovely things!

It's been a while since I've shot a wedding or any session at all, and I'm missing it tonight. I don't think Utah is the right place for me to photograph people, I swear I'm going to make it to Washington and maybe there my wedding venture will explode!