need to relocate

i need to get out of utah. i hate driving around here, i hate this place. there are too many memories, reminders, regrets. everything reminds me of things i've been trying so hard to forget.

the mountains are beautiful and sunset is magnificent but even the beauty here makes me ache with sadness. it reminds me, too.

this place is too familiar to me, familiar like an unpleasant dream.

the culture here is frustrating. i don't know how to figure things out when things are cloudy with fake religion, naive belief, and hostile judgement from both the faithful and the unbelieving. i can't see clearly.

i feel so distant from the people here, i don't like the dating culture, the academic culture, the pressure and the competition. i'm tired of the college town life. i've lived here for 4.5 years and i'm tired of it. i don't fit in here. i don't belong here.

i want to move somewhere new, somewhere i don't have any memories or associations with, somewhere beautiful, somewhere that i can start over. i need to begin my life, instead of just continue to plod along, somewhere in between merely functioning and successfully and happily thriving. i've thought about my reasons for moving and have decided that i'm not trying to escape, i just want to be somewhere where i can actually live.

(image by sean flanigan)

bedroom

a little project i started on my wall yesterday.

happy

my sweet friend holly posted a music video on her blog last month that i really liked. i loved the lyrics. i know that lately i post songs that could maybe sound kind of sad but they inspire me in some way. they're about real life. this one is exactly how i feel about things! it's called "happy" by leona lewis.

[Verse 1:]

Someone once told me that you have to choose

What you win or lose

You can't have everything

Don't you take chances

Might feel the pain

Don't you love in vain

Cause love won't set you free

I can't stand by the side

And watch this life pass me by

So unhappy

But safe as could be

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah

Just wanna be happy, yeah

[Verse 2:]

Holding on tightly

Just can't let it go

Just trying to play my role

Slowly disappear, ohh

But all these days, they feel like they're the same

Just different faces, different names

Get me out of here

I can't stand by your side, ohh no

And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

[Bridge:]

So any turns that I can't see,

like I'm a stranger on this road

But don't say victim

Don't say anything

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

[Outro:]

I just wanna be happy

Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy

I just wanna be, ohh

I just wanna be happy

Ohh, happy

...

self portrait

(pictures were taken in my bedroom circa 7:30pm. the light is so beautiful at this time)

Trying to swim but you’re sinking like a stone, alone

And I can feel fire in the night waiting here

Baby it’s like we’re walking on a wire through the fear

Take my hand, we’ll get there

Sooner or later, I swear we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it,

Sooner or later, I swear we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it,

Milk and honey ’til we get our fill

I’ll keep chasing it, I always will

Sooner or later, I swear

We’ll make it there

Sooner than later

We’re all waiting on a dream that’s hard to own, sooner or later

Trying to feel the high without the low, you know

You can feel fire in the night lying here

Baby it’s like we’re walking on a

wire through the fear

Take my hand, we’ll get there

The fear inside, the hills we’ve climbed

The tears this side of

heaven, all these dreams inside of me

I swear we’re gonna get there

"Sooner Or Later" - Mat Kearney