pictures of emily

i have 3 weeks until arizona. today has been kind of rough. i really miss my independence and my job. i miss my computer, and my camera.

my sister looked so beautiful today and i wanted to do a shoot with her. i took a few snap shots on my phone, but oh, if i'd only had my camera and 20 minutes! here are a few of the shots:







this stupid blog is frustrating me. i've been trying to make a new template (which is hard given that i'm not even using my computer/photoshop/resources) and it's not working very well. thanks for being patient with it.

well, i'm in a bad mood today so i won't post very much in order to avoid emotional ranting that i delete 2 hours later when i'm back to reality and feel  highly embarrassed at my behavior on the Internet..

I got out

To update you after that last miserable post, I've moved. I couldn't stay in Utah anymore. I'm now back in Texas with my family, although I will be moving to Arizona in about 3 weeks. I'm happier already. :)

My parents both make good food. Here is some curry we enjoyed today thanks to my dad. It has sausage in it from a deer he shot himself when he went hunting for the first time this year.



I have a lot of free time now, without my job (tears). I have spent a lot of it watching all the tv shows I missed during their summer hiatus and stalking people on the internet. There are so many insanely talented and interesting people online. I miss my gorge Mac which is in storage (THANKS DANAE/BLAIR!) for a while, all the blogs look way better on a Mac than a phone. Ah well!

In a few months when I get things situated in my life, and figure out where exactly my new life will be and consist of, I want to contribute to the Internet more. Reconstruct my blog. Be creative again. Take pretty pictures, and make my living place beautiful and chic.

I need a titch of time to heal properly from the past year and a half, get in touch with my Self again, and give myself a second chance at life.

It's so strange to me how far i am away from myself. I told my girls when I quit my job that I hope someday they want help because I know who they can be if they get help. I told them that's why I had to leave, because I need and want help because I can't be who I know I really am, who I'm capable of being, unless I get a bit of help.

Working at that rehab center changed my life. I eventually want to run a program myself! I think I would want it to get to the cause of negative behavior, help girls with the fundamental issues that have led to their acting out, not just focus on changing their behavior.

Anyway, I'm going to go shopping with my mom now. I'll probably post again soon:)

need to relocate

i need to get out of utah. i hate driving around here, i hate this place. there are too many memories, reminders, regrets. everything reminds me of things i've been trying so hard to forget.

the mountains are beautiful and sunset is magnificent but even the beauty here makes me ache with sadness. it reminds me, too.

this place is too familiar to me, familiar like an unpleasant dream.

the culture here is frustrating. i don't know how to figure things out when things are cloudy with fake religion, naive belief, and hostile judgement from both the faithful and the unbelieving. i can't see clearly.

i feel so distant from the people here, i don't like the dating culture, the academic culture, the pressure and the competition. i'm tired of the college town life. i've lived here for 4.5 years and i'm tired of it. i don't fit in here. i don't belong here.

i want to move somewhere new, somewhere i don't have any memories or associations with, somewhere beautiful, somewhere that i can start over. i need to begin my life, instead of just continue to plod along, somewhere in between merely functioning and successfully and happily thriving. i've thought about my reasons for moving and have decided that i'm not trying to escape, i just want to be somewhere where i can actually live.

(image by sean flanigan)

bedroom

a little project i started on my wall yesterday.

happy

my sweet friend holly posted a music video on her blog last month that i really liked. i loved the lyrics. i know that lately i post songs that could maybe sound kind of sad but they inspire me in some way. they're about real life. this one is exactly how i feel about things! it's called "happy" by leona lewis.

[Verse 1:]

Someone once told me that you have to choose

What you win or lose

You can't have everything

Don't you take chances

Might feel the pain

Don't you love in vain

Cause love won't set you free

I can't stand by the side

And watch this life pass me by

So unhappy

But safe as could be

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah

Just wanna be happy, yeah

[Verse 2:]

Holding on tightly

Just can't let it go

Just trying to play my role

Slowly disappear, ohh

But all these days, they feel like they're the same

Just different faces, different names

Get me out of here

I can't stand by your side, ohh no

And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

[Bridge:]

So any turns that I can't see,

like I'm a stranger on this road

But don't say victim

Don't say anything

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

[Outro:]

I just wanna be happy

Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy

I just wanna be, ohh

I just wanna be happy

Ohh, happy

...

self portrait

(pictures were taken in my bedroom circa 7:30pm. the light is so beautiful at this time)

Trying to swim but you’re sinking like a stone, alone

And I can feel fire in the night waiting here

Baby it’s like we’re walking on a wire through the fear

Take my hand, we’ll get there

Sooner or later, I swear we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it,

Sooner or later, I swear we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it,

Milk and honey ’til we get our fill

I’ll keep chasing it, I always will

Sooner or later, I swear

We’ll make it there

Sooner than later

We’re all waiting on a dream that’s hard to own, sooner or later

Trying to feel the high without the low, you know

You can feel fire in the night lying here

Baby it’s like we’re walking on a

wire through the fear

Take my hand, we’ll get there

The fear inside, the hills we’ve climbed

The tears this side of

heaven, all these dreams inside of me

I swear we’re gonna get there

"Sooner Or Later" - Mat Kearney