thank you all for comments, emails, letters, and packages! i got two packages the other day and have to admit, getting little gifts in rehab is better than any christmas morning i've ever enjoyed. a therapist has to give us packages and be present when we open them, so there were a few of us sitting around waiting our turn to open packages and we were all giddy and laughing with anticipatory joy and happiness for about 30 minutes until we finally had permission to start.

i realized a few weeks ago that i'd be spending halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and new years in rehab. possibly even my birthday. fantastic. actually, so far the holidays have been great. i'm surrounded by women i really have connected with and grown to love. it's nice not to stress much about anything except healing and recovery, and it's also nice to be in a place where nothing really phases anyone.

the second night i was here i had this moment the was like the deflating sigh at the end of a good cry, the kind of sigh that signifies release and relief. i had a feeling i'd never had before, that it was so okay that i wasn't perfect, that it was so okay that i had issues, that it was so okay that i'm so not okay. the feeling shocked me, it's the opposite feeling i've had my entire life. so interesting to me.

last week we got news that one of the women we love who recently graduated the program committed suicide. the past week has been really difficult and has inspired a lot of really deep emotions and thoughts. i don't really have much to say about it, i'm just thankful for those in my life that i thought i might lose at one point who i didn't. also, i am a lot more aware of how keenly i love my people.

i miss my camera, i can't wait to be able to shoot again. prescott is so beautiful, and fall is lasting and lasting. when i can photograph things i will show you this new place where i'm at home.

this city is my church.

refuge

the wonderful thing about being in a safe place is eventually you are able to start to feel again.

i spent thursday in one of the therapist's office sobbing and screaming into a pillow which she gave me. i left a lot of snot and mascara on the blue velvet. she wasn't even phased by anything, which i loved. she took me to some places i've been afraid of going in my past, but giving myself to the process is giving me a future. this weekend is a jumble of emotions, thoughts, and discoveries.

i'm immersed, i'm alive, i'm in pain, i'm in hope, i'm in wonder. the caterpillar is starting to grow it's wings. wait and see, this cocoon is only temporary- when i come back i'll be more colorful and alive than i ever thought possible.

hiatus

a few recent pictures from my phone. <3 instagram.

forgive me, i probably won't post for a while. i'm off to figure things out.

peace!

camera

It's been a while since I've used my camera, and right now it's in storage. I feel very weird without access to it. I am itching to shoot things.. I have to keep pushing the thought from my mind.

One day when I have cash, I'm going to buy some prime lenses and an even better camera body. Oh! I could do so many lovely things!

It's been a while since I've shot a wedding or any session at all, and I'm missing it tonight. I don't think Utah is the right place for me to photograph people, I swear I'm going to make it to Washington and maybe there my wedding venture will explode!

pictures of emily

i have 3 weeks until arizona. today has been kind of rough. i really miss my independence and my job. i miss my computer, and my camera.

my sister looked so beautiful today and i wanted to do a shoot with her. i took a few snap shots on my phone, but oh, if i'd only had my camera and 20 minutes! here are a few of the shots:







this stupid blog is frustrating me. i've been trying to make a new template (which is hard given that i'm not even using my computer/photoshop/resources) and it's not working very well. thanks for being patient with it.

well, i'm in a bad mood today so i won't post very much in order to avoid emotional ranting that i delete 2 hours later when i'm back to reality and feel  highly embarrassed at my behavior on the Internet..

I got out

To update you after that last miserable post, I've moved. I couldn't stay in Utah anymore. I'm now back in Texas with my family, although I will be moving to Arizona in about 3 weeks. I'm happier already. :)

My parents both make good food. Here is some curry we enjoyed today thanks to my dad. It has sausage in it from a deer he shot himself when he went hunting for the first time this year.



I have a lot of free time now, without my job (tears). I have spent a lot of it watching all the tv shows I missed during their summer hiatus and stalking people on the internet. There are so many insanely talented and interesting people online. I miss my gorge Mac which is in storage (THANKS DANAE/BLAIR!) for a while, all the blogs look way better on a Mac than a phone. Ah well!

In a few months when I get things situated in my life, and figure out where exactly my new life will be and consist of, I want to contribute to the Internet more. Reconstruct my blog. Be creative again. Take pretty pictures, and make my living place beautiful and chic.

I need a titch of time to heal properly from the past year and a half, get in touch with my Self again, and give myself a second chance at life.

It's so strange to me how far i am away from myself. I told my girls when I quit my job that I hope someday they want help because I know who they can be if they get help. I told them that's why I had to leave, because I need and want help because I can't be who I know I really am, who I'm capable of being, unless I get a bit of help.

Working at that rehab center changed my life. I eventually want to run a program myself! I think I would want it to get to the cause of negative behavior, help girls with the fundamental issues that have led to their acting out, not just focus on changing their behavior.

Anyway, I'm going to go shopping with my mom now. I'll probably post again soon:)

need to relocate

i need to get out of utah. i hate driving around here, i hate this place. there are too many memories, reminders, regrets. everything reminds me of things i've been trying so hard to forget.

the mountains are beautiful and sunset is magnificent but even the beauty here makes me ache with sadness. it reminds me, too.

this place is too familiar to me, familiar like an unpleasant dream.

the culture here is frustrating. i don't know how to figure things out when things are cloudy with fake religion, naive belief, and hostile judgement from both the faithful and the unbelieving. i can't see clearly.

i feel so distant from the people here, i don't like the dating culture, the academic culture, the pressure and the competition. i'm tired of the college town life. i've lived here for 4.5 years and i'm tired of it. i don't fit in here. i don't belong here.

i want to move somewhere new, somewhere i don't have any memories or associations with, somewhere beautiful, somewhere that i can start over. i need to begin my life, instead of just continue to plod along, somewhere in between merely functioning and successfully and happily thriving. i've thought about my reasons for moving and have decided that i'm not trying to escape, i just want to be somewhere where i can actually live.

(image by sean flanigan)