i stand all amazed

"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me... That he should extend his great love unto such as I, Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify..."



also, yesterday i made a pb&j sandwich for sophia and then cut it in half. as soon as i did she indignantly said "you KILLED it!"
aha:)

it's the climb

as miley cyrus so eloquently put it, "there's always gonna be another mountain, i'm always gonna wanna make it move, always gonna be an uphill battle" but i disagree with her conclusion, it's not completely about the climb. i would say it's also about the view when you get to the top and see where you've arrived because of the climb. this is life, people. what does yours look like? i like to imagine mine is somewhat like this:

(photo by: dino olivieri)

it's beautiful, filled completely with peaks and valleys that take my breath away. even the shadows are necessary to add to the beauty and give depth to this view.

have you ever felt like you're climbing a mountain and just when you reach the top and think you can start the down haul to ease and happiness, you realize you're stuck in the alps and there is always another mountain ahead to climb? yeah, i have too.

you have a choice: you can cry out in despair at the immense journey ahead, OR you can breathe, look around with big, open eyes, and realize that you're in the midst of absolute beauty. if you chose the second, for sure you still have to climb, up and down. it's never going to be easy, and you will still struggle to make your way. there will be moments when you are so far from the top that all you can do is climb with faith that you will be able to see the journey for what it really is when you reach a peak. this faith combined with the work of continuing to climb, will get you to the peaks. there WILL be those moments of clarity and rejuvenation when you get a glimpse of the entire scene, a glimpse of your life in it's entirety. you'll see where you've been, the dark you've passed through, the light you've been blessed with. you'll see where you're going, more darkness, even more light.

it's the moments when we're lost in the dark, steep places that make the peaks and open valleys so amazing. it's the paths that are slippery, cold, and wet that give us appreciation for the steps we take as we emerge into the sunlight at the top of a ridge.

just because mountains are hard to climb, their impressive grander or the sense of supreme accomplishment you should have when conquering them is not diminished. you can look at the sticks and thorns on the path right at your feet, or lift your eyes and take in the entire view.

thank God for mountains!

eyes

sophia was stroking my face and my hair this morning. she kept touching my eyebrows and finally said "i love your pricking eyes!!"
thank you, sophia, as usual. :)

also, if you EVER need an epic drive, listen to E.S. Posthumus. my fav song is "manju" but "arise" is also really good if you like movie-intense instrumental music. the other night on the drive back from provo, i rolled my window down and let my hand fly outside in the cold air while listening to this. it was.. epic. i owned the world for 3 minutes and then my ipod died so i rolled up my window and went home.

last night i reconnected with an old friend. it was one of the best closure experiences of my life. i am still in shock over how happy i am about that conversation, how healing it was.

heavenly father loves me. despite everything that has been going on the past 3 months, there have been so many tender mercies, so many moments of undeniable care. where would i be without the gospel of Jesus Christ? i don't think i would have had the motivation to survive high school, or even college without his love. i was thinking about creating a profile on mormon.org but haven't yet. the questions on there got me thinking though. maybe i'll answer some of them on here.

i've been reading "the continuous atonement" by brad wilcox, and "drawing on the powers of heaven" by grant von harrison. both excellent. everyone should read them.

things i'm grateful for:
mountains to drive through
sophia&co
my own room (i haven't had one before the past two months since.. elementary school)
a certain friend who loved me even when i wore this every day, and who i can still talk to about anything:

october

you know. just a normal day here.

next week is going to be BUSY! 3 photo shoots: 2 engagements, 1 wedding. families through the rest of the month. doing okay.

tonight i'm meeting with clients who are getting married in a couple of weeks.

also seeing a couple of old friends and my grandma. it'll be good.

lots of pondering happening lately. i tried writing some of  my thoughts last night an then changed my mind. it's too hard to organize the chaos into words right now.

epic night

boo! another night of sleeplessness! i didn't fall asleep until 4:30am yesterday, so of course i slept in.. until a stupid FLY kept dive-bombing my face! not kidding, a fly was in my room and if i didn't cover my face it would land on me. it woke me up and scared me so many freaking times this morning. SO annoying. in my half delirious state i realized it's probably because i smelled. i had a massage earlier and had coconut oil all over including in my hair because of the scalp massage.. soo worth it but still, couldn't keep the darn thing off me.

tonight however, was amazing. i was in provo and got to hang out with a few of my best friends. being with them feeds my starving soul. also, tonight coincidentally fed my body, because amie and maloree threw a chocolate party. more later. i'm passing out. and have a bit more important info to share: the drive home was EPIC. soundtrack was e.s. posthumus. manju is my favorite song, i wildly conducted it to keep myself awake. people stared. also listened to "arise" and stuck my arm out the window; i was flying, i was queen, i had the world in my arms.

lists. which i love.......

(fyi, this post just follows my thought process.. i'm thinking thoughts straight through to my fingers)

things i consistently look forward to EVERY single day.
- brushing my teeth
- opening my computer
- checking google analytics after midnight to see the stats (i.e. how many stalkers i had that day)
- eating
- getting in my amazing bed.
- falling asleep. i had a realization about my awful sleep habits: i rarely, RARELY go to sleep unless my body makes me. by that i mean, i physically shut down. there is no possible way i can stay awake no matter what. i have yet to discover the reasons, sometimes i can't sleep, sometimes i don't want to sleep for various reasons, sometimes there is actually something going on worth staying up for.. you know! there's just never a reason to actually go to sleep until i HAVE to.. i mean, besides the whole take-care-of-yourself-so-you-live-past-45 bizniss.

interestingly enough, most of these have to do with my night time routine. eating, always. brushing teeth, several times a day (i'm a nutter about it), computer, always. but none of these are a day-only activity and when i was thinking about them they were associated with post-6oclock. maybe that's my problem. i don't appreciate or really enjoy anything that is a consistent part of the majority of my day. sad! now i'm currious. new list:

things that consistently happen EVERY single day minus above list.
- peeing
- txting
- thinking about the future
- thinking about the past (if this were eliminated i'd be 80% more productive, probably. just a thought)
- guilt

really? that's it? hmm. wow. REALLY?

i mean, there are things that happen frequently, like playing with sophia, scratching evan's head, running (a new addition to my life!), finding music, driving to provo, photo shoots, etc. but this list is a compilation of all of the things i can think of off the top of my head that absolutely happen every single day. there are some important things missing i just realized.

i enjoy making lists. more lists:

top 3 songs on my itunes with most plays.
- "here we go" mat kearney (51 plays)
- "closer to love" mat kearney (48 plays)
- "virginia" chris merritt (47 plays)
- as an interesting side note, number 28 (out of 2764) is "i'm so paid" by lil wayne.. what does this say about me? so much i think.. ha. lil wayne ties with the karaoke version of owl city's "fireflies" and beats out joshua radin's "streetlight" by 1 play.

bucket list-esque
- 365 project (take a self portrait every day for a year. alternatively you can be more simple and have it be 1 photo a day, any subject)
- flippin travel. see europe. apparently it's the place to be, since that's where everyone else travels to, and the US seems to get the least immigrants from there in recent years. so, there must be something worth while about it.
- make a profound difference somehow, somewhere, to someone.

thanks, sophia

i took a nap this afternoon/evening to sleep off the sick. when i woke up i walked out of my room into the basement and sophia greeted me. she looked up at me and said "oh! you look cute!" i was in my full sweats uniform, i actually have a picture from winter semester that pretty much illustrates me currently minus the sick look:


thanks sophia. i have self esteem today because of you. ;)

if you don't like it, go home

not too many people read this blog, but i'm hesitant about this post because it's a bit political which i usually avoid. perhaps the draw for me is the emergence of a pop culture goddess with a political agenda. recently, famed lady gaga gave a speech called "if you don't like it, go home," urging her fans and the country to be outraged about the "don't ask don't tell" policy of the US military. the reason i saw this video was because a friend of mine on facebook posted it, and i was curious. after viewing the 16 minute long speech, i cannot remain silent. if you would like to watch the speech for yourself, click here.

i do not agree with gaga's views, but i respect the right that she has to differing opinions. diversity is appropriate and important. that said, i do not feel compelled to respect the delivery or method of persuasion of all persons, especially when given with so much passion and so little substance. i can respect a differing opinion if it is founded upon reason and principle.

the point of gaga's speech is to suggest a new law, a law that sends home the soldiers with the problem. the soldier with the problem is the straight homophobes serving our country. the law is called "if you don't like it, go home." really?

the culmination of her speech was the rally to have all straight homophobes who are serving to be sent home in place of the openly gay individuals.

she gives the definition of straight homophobes to those who may be uncomfortable serving with gay soldiers, which is what inspired the "don't ask don't tell" policy. in her opinion, the policy "is against all we stand for as americans." her cry is that homophobic straight individuals are not fit to serve because it is "the straight soldier who has prejudice in his heart, in the space where the military asks him to hold our core american values, he insteads holds and harbors hate and he gets to stay and fight for our country. he gets the honor."

unfortunately, this point is very emotionally charged yet founded on unstable soil. first, the contempt for straight soldiers who could potentially feel uncomfortable serving with gay soldiers is unfair, the very claim gaga makes about the uncomfortable soldier. in the military you live with, sleep with, and shower with your fellows. if i were a straight woman in the military, i would be extremely uncomfortable if i was required by law to do those all of those things next to straight men, because of the sexual interest they could potentially have in me. it would have nothing to do with hating men, being afraid of men, or wanting women only to have the right to serve our country. it would have everything to do with being uncomfortable about the sexual interest generated by the intimate task of taking care of myself in front of them. i don't believe it is any different for a straight man having to shower and share a sleeping space with a gay man. it does not make the man a homophobe, a hater, or a propagator of inequality, it simply means he is uncomfortable with the potential sexual interest his fellow soldier may have in him as he is forced to bathe and sleep next to him.

i ask, if a straight man feels uncomfortable about serving with a gay man, does it mean he has hate in his heart?

should that man be discharged on account of his discomfort? yes, according to gaga's proposed law.

i can discover no logic to her argument. from my perspective it was an emotional rampage in the perceived battle between the glbt community and society in general (or in this case, the government).

the entire speech was irritating because it's purpose seems to be to raise emotions based on irrational and besides-the-point issues.

if all individuals attempting to enlist in the military were required to declare their sexuality in order to weed out and prevent homosexuals from serving, i would be much more likely to empathize with her cause. however, in gaga's accusations, declarations, and opinions stated as fact, she is doing the very thing she claims the government and all "homophobic" straight soldiers are doing - creating inequality, hate, and tension towards a military that is trying find balance between minority and majority needs.

on a humorous note that reinforces my utter disbelief in her speech, she states there have been studies that have shown that there is very little tension or disruption from units with openly gay soldiers. then she says that she'll go along with the supposition such situations really do cause tension and gives the rest of her speech, but the point of her speech is her opinion that all of the soldiers who according to her, don't really even exist, should be sent home. what?

update on general well-being (or lack of) and activities:

-currently 12:34am (nice!)
-chills setting in
-nose/eye leakage has momentarily ceased
-throat doing a titch better after lemon/honey water and gargling salt water (which was INTENSE. maybe i had too much salt, or it was too hot)
- watching danae use a neti pot which i will attempt out of desperation before taking a hot bath and then surrendering and retiring to bed.

this update is not a request for pity (i'm not really THAT sick. just uncomfortable. i know, i'm such a baby.) rather, it is an attempt to procrastinate what looks like a very simple yet uncomfortable procedure upon my nose, and the haul down to bath and bed. also using SNL skits on hulu (too many commercials now, boo) as a diversion:


okay i'm out. leakage from my face has resumed.

P.S. i apologize for the grossities.

sick

this was me 15 minutes ago (real life, people):

then danae was an angel and brought me hot lemon/honey water to save my throat:


my throat and nose have been annoying but bearable all day. unfortunately an hour and a half ago my nose and eyes started pouring delicious liquid (that was sarcastic), and my throat grew spikes or something.

the tissue up my nose was my laziness manifesting itself. they lasted for a couple of minutes which i thoroughly enjoyed. it's not like i am capable of breathing out of my nostrils at this point anyway. i'm so tired of blowing my nose which is now raw. i should invest in those lotion tissues.

also, my ears are a bit clogged from blowing so much.

the best thing for me right now besides this amazing drink is a sleep. i don't want to go to sleep because i don't want to wake up. every one of you know what i'm talking about, when you go to sleep somewhat sick. you always wake up more sick, your throat is a little more dry and sore, your nose has left great wet marks on your pillow, you find you have acquired a headache on top of it all... it takes 10 minutes and a shower to clean yourself and clear out your sinuses. i really really REALLY would rather avoid that.

this post was written for all of you faithful stalkers. i knew you'd want a detailed description of the nasty sick symptoms beginning to manifest in me. i can tell this is going to be a really really fun week.

i love ikea

i bought this lamp at ikea a couple of days ago. i love it.

my darling

dear sophia,
my life would suck without you. i mean, you're the cheese to my macaroni.

the first week after i came back from texas, every morning when i woke up you'd smile really big and say "you came back!"
this evening you were talking to your daddy on the phone about him coming home from a business trip. randomly you said "my header back, i lub her, her is my friend." i adore you.
baby, you are SO delicious:


my favorite is when you put your arms around my neck and you smoosh your face into mine and stare wide-eyed into my eyes and tell me "my going to put my arms like dis!" i melt.

my other favorite thing you do is when you give me kisses. you used to only give me kisses when i told you not to, so i told you not to all the time. i only have to do that a few times every day, you're less stingy about kisses than you were a month ago. your kiss face is so cute and your baby lips are so sweet. when you get older, be stingy about them again. don't let any boy who doesn't love you as much as i do ever steal your kisses. they're too precious to waste.


stay innocent. it's possible.


you're so cute no matter what you do. you always can make me laugh, even when you're bossing me around and yelling your head off about the silliest things.


i always call you "baby." i hope you let me call you baby forever. i tried explaining it to marian today, it's a term of endearment. you're dear to me.

we have so much fun playing in the backyard on the grass. you make me swing you around. i throw you all over the place, and tickle you a lot. your laugh is so cute.



you were all over the place today when i tried photographing you. typical. trying to get you where i want you is like herding cats.. finally you strapped yourself into a swing and i swooped in to shoot.



you're so precious. i love you with all my heart. i've had a lot of bad days lately, but not as many as i would have without you. thank you for being happiness. baby you have been helping me through a lot. you love me, you hug and kiss me, you tell me sweet things. my favorite so far is when you randomly said "i lub you header! i so happy!!!" you made your big open mouth smile (you're "happy smile") and threw your arms around me and gave me the best hug ever.

baby, please stay 3 forever. you're perfect.

love,
header

state fair

yesterday we went to the utah state fair. i am loving video lately, i barely took any pictures while we were there.

men who knit...

found this whilst blogstalking today.

tracy aviary VIDEO!!!

my camera has an HD video feature. i've shot a few little things and i decided to post this one. hopefully i can find some cool editing software so i can make the videos look sweet:)

Tracy Aviary from Heather Janis on Vimeo.

scrubs

so cool, an entire store of scrubs. i want to be a nurse JUST so i can wear these.

tracy aviary

the kids are off track so danae planned some fun outings for the next couple of weeks. today i tagged along with them to the tracy aviary in salt lake. daniel was SO excited because he'd been there before on a field trip, and the rest of the kids were totally in to it. so cute. afterwords we went to a lebanese restaurant that was AMAZING. oh my gosh the humus, the pita bread, the sandwich... ahhhh!



"SQUIRREL!"


















typical:





danae and i tried so hard to get a picture of all the kids. there was one that they were all looking at the camera, but this was my favorite because they just couldn't make it. we were hollering and waving and cajoling in vain: