about time

DAAAAANG! a real post. finally!

update! i quit my call center job after i posted about it. too much stress managing 3 jobs, a vacation, and moving.

i've been working like a mad woman at my rehab job and now i'm looking forward to my next paycheck. this job is insane! i love it. the girls there right now are between 15-17 years old. there are 9 girls in the program right now and i love them all. i have today off because my supervisor felt i needed a break. it's true. his motivation was probably because he wants to minimize the overtime money, but i honestly really needed a break so i wouldn't blow up at someone. i nearly lost it with a girl yesterday when she asked for tweezers as we were rushing out the door and i said no, and she yelled at me. most days i would have laughed and said "really? are you really yelling at me because of this?" two days off. i haven't had two days off in a row for a long time.

there are so many things that need to be done, which is what i've been using today for. i guess i'm a real adult now since my "saturday" is now the day to catch up, not the day to have fun. boo.

when i catch my breath i'll start writing interesting things and maybe post some photos from my vacation last month.

i am more consistently busy and productive daily than i have ever been in my life. i feel good to be this productive and but sometimes i get so crazy with this new busy life that i wish i could go into a medically induced coma for a while.

this past week i've been to the gym 3 times, and on thursday i'm starting with a personal trainer. i want to feel good about myself again. it's been so long since i've been comfortable in my own body.

after i was assaulted last year i started hating my body and even who i was because i felt like who i was died that night and i would always live in the shadow of the girl i used to be. a couple of months ago i read in a book that a lot of survivors feel like their bodies are used and dirty afterwords (yep) and then the book went on to beautifully say something that has made a huge difference in my mindset. this is the quote, i've changed a couple of words because i am not ready to have them posted here in connection to me. maybe one day i'll be brave enough to call it what it was! anyway, here's the quote by matt atkinson:

"Remember, too, that body cells constantly replicate. They die, are dismantled by a process called Phagocytosis, and are replaced by entirely new cells. This means that the tissues of your body is much younger than your actual age. Your body is younger than you are, and the cells you were made of a few years ago are now entirely gone. In other words, the human body constantly regenerates. Only your DNA remains unchanged.

What does this mean? It means that the body you are living in, as you read this right now, is not the body you were [attacked] in. It also means that since your DNA remains unchanged, you are – at a molecular level – the same person you were always meant to be, and [assault] cannot change that. You are physically a different person than the... victim you once were, and your body is not a [used] body any longer. It has regenerated, and will continue to regenerate through your entire life. When you look into a mirror, you are no longer seeing a body that was [victimized]; that body has died and been replaced by entirely new matter. You are not living inside the shell of a... victim."

this thought has actually helped me heal emotionally. i am physically changing and leaving that body behind that i hated so much. i want to take care of and learn to love myself again. i'm trying to make healthier choices with food and i'm starting to really commit at the gym. i'm pushing myself hard, especially by using a trainer (i've had 2 free sessions to try it out) and i feel so worn out and proud of myself afterwords. i want to have a good relationship with myself again. it feels amazing to push myself and do something hard that is good for me.

and now, to end this post on a good note, here is a photo of the funny sign on the flower shop that i drive by with my girls at work sometimes, in the big 15 passenger van. they laugh at it every time: