more pondering

these photos were taken a year ago.

quick disclaimer: since this is my blog i am not going to apologize for spending so much time talking about a year ago. i probably will post several more times about it, it's therapeutic! i don't mind if i lose the few readers i have, you can roll your eyes and move on to something more interesting like this random site that has a picture of a lama on it. i actually googled "boring websites" and found this, so as to have a link for you to escape with. it is probably more interesting than this blog will be for a while. you're welcome.

do you ever look at photos of yourself from the past and think of all the things that person is about to experience and how she has no idea what's in store? i do that all the time, but not with these photos. i think it's because i am very far away in them and they aren't very personal- it really could be any girl in these photos.

that's how my life before last year feels now. sometimes i feel so disconnected i want to scream. it's like remembering a movie you saw a while ago. you remember what you thought about it and what it was about, but it's a fuzzy memory with lots of holes and missing parts, and it's not your life, but you were immersed in it once, when you watched.

last fall was rather uncomfortable as i would space out all the time- people would talk to me and i could see them talking but my mind wouldn't comprehend anything coming out of their mouth. i'd ask people to repeat themselves constantly. once i asked a friend to repeat herself 5 times. she was sitting next to me and my mind was just blank. i finally laughed and acted like i finally heard her and then left quickly because i felt so empty between my ears. very disconcerting.

all of that (spacing and feeling disconnected) is getting loads better. i'm making so much progress! i have fun, i'm working hard, and i feel like i'm busier than i've been in a long time. in the next week or two i'll be moving to orem. i found a place to live. it's perfect! it's a little town house. rent is cheap, and it is everything i've been looking for. i'm coming back into the world:)

i found this quote somewhere:

"You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair." — Douglas MacArthur

i'm probably 50, my hope and optimism about the future are about equal with my fears and doubts. that's an improvement over how i felt most of the past year!