i have a lot of time on my hands this week which is resulting in time to watch tv, take walks to the lake, and think too much. when my life is quiet all of the demons i've fought and the memories i've repressed come back and make it hard to be as happy as i am when i'm busy. that's probably true for most people. sometimes i really need time to just meditate and process what's happened, but lately it's mostly unproductive so i've been trying to avoid thinking too much. what's past is past, and that's how it should stay.
still, i can't help thinking about how much my life has changed, how much i have changed. i am in the complete opposite place in life i thought and planned on being in 1.5 years ago. sometimes that makes me really really sad but most of the time i'm okay with it now. i've accepted myself and my life, and have been working really hard for a few months to move forward in life.
rebuilding a life is hard, but i know this isn't the last time i'll do it. no place or phase in life is permanent. we just pass through different places, states of mind, environments, situations, social groups, and jobs. good times don't last, but neither do bad times. at the beginning of this year i felt hopeless, things were never going to change, never going to get better. well, thank God they have. things are so much better.
in 2 weeks it will be my first anniversary from the most life changing event i've experienced so far. i may take the day off from work and go on a little road trip. i'm not sure i am ready for that marker yet. maybe i'll write a blog post about everything that has happened and how i'm so much stronger than i was a year ago. maybe i'll burn some pictures, or maybe i'll just go through the day like normal. food will definitely be involved. but maybe, maybe somehow i'll forget and the day will pass without acknowledgement. i doubt that will happen this year, but the year that it does i will know that it really is in the past.
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i love my new job, working on the day staff at the residential rehab center. it's difficult though, not being able to trust any of the girls without even knowing them. you just have to assume that everything they say is a lie until it checks out, avoid being manipulated (hard! i keep being manipulated without realizing it until later) and make sure that you are aware of all of the girls and what they are doing/talking about constantly for 8 hours. hard but so fun because somehow that's all endearing to me. i guess i have a soft spot in my heart for teen angst.
it's funny to me that i got a job where all day i am trying not to be manipulated, reminding people of personal and social boundaries, and resolving the dramatic conflicts that arise constantly and out of the blue all day. it's funny because this year i reached an all time low in regards to being taken advantage of, manipulated, and abused and i finally had enough. i've been able to become much more assertive and now anytime i even THINK that someone may try to invalidate or take advantage of me in any way, i have this compulsion to maul them. one extreme to the other, that's me:) considering all this, it's funny that at the job i'm at i spend the entire day doing just that (protecting myself, the girls, and the rules of the house).
i am looking for housing in orem and provo, and i'm planning on moving in the very near future as my job is full time and i'm starting to dislike the constant commute from south jordan to provo. i've already put 3300 miles on my car and i haven't even had a chance to pay my first car payment, although that's due to the retarded company i bought the car from, financing was a mess.
that's pretty much all i have to say right now, not much else is happening or on my mind!
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