after a week of ^ i think i'm ready for life again.
i've had so much time to just BE. i've been pickled in my thoughts because the past week has been just sitting on the beach, in the condo, on the road, thinking.
last summer i was a counselor for 3 weeks at a church summer camp called EFY, or Especially For Youth. It was the most amazing experience of my life. I felt God's love so intensely, every single day.
decisions i've made and places i've been have taken me so far from who i felt i was last summer. it's depressing to think about what i was given and what i tossed aside for a while. but when i
really think about the past year, i can only be grateful because of what i've learned. sometimes lessons come at a great price. the price isn't always necessary, but when you pay it anyway, despite the regret of not learning for free, the result is priceless and you suddenly see life with your heart instead of just your eyes.
i've kept in touch with some of my girls from EFY. yesterday one of them sent me an email. i loved what she said about God: "He's so chill about my mess-ups! Like, "No big deal, it's fine. I know that you just completely forgot that I exist, but dont worry, I'll still give you a really nice house and stable family and amazing friends. No big deal. I love you!"
something that I've learned over and over the past couple months is that I really just have to completely trust that God will help me do what He wants me to do. you know what's so nice, as intense as the past few months have been, pretty much every day as i've been re-grouping He reminds me of what i need to focus on right now and reminds me that i need to relax and enjoy myself. he's so patient. if i were God i would be like "seriously, how many times do i have to tell you, will you please just chill OUT?! it's going to be FINE! look how far i've already brought you!!!" instead, being perfect, every day He's like "heather, it's going to be okay! don't worry, see, all you have to do is this... remember? also, i love you. trust me." and i say "oh yeah. thanks. i needed that today. i needed it again like i needed it yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that... i love you too. i'm so sorry i don't always act like it." and i can feel Him forgive me, again.
christian rock is the best. the song "light up the sky" by the afters is beautiful, it describes exactly how i feel, especially when i escape to beautiful places.
why do we waste so much of our lives worrying and stressing out when if we just worked at having more faith, we could enjoy the ride wherever it takes us? i don't want to say this at the end of my life:
“What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” colette
or this:
"I saw what love might have done had we loved in time." - mary oliver
also something to think about, this quote from the thornton wilder play, "our town":
"I can't. I can't go on. It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back — up the hill — to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-by, Good-by, world. Good-by Grover's Corners...Mama and Papa. Good-by to clocks ticking...and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths...and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you. ...
Do human beings ever realize life while they live it? — Every, every minute? ...I'm ready to go back...I should have listened to you. That's all human beings are! Just blind people.
open your eyes, and SEE. LISTEN. FEEL. let life wash over you, run through you. figure out what's not important to do, think about, or feel, and choose to let go of those things. remember that no matter how great things are, they will never be perfect. accept it! but also remember that no matter how bad things become, it's never completely hopeless, hold onto that.
