thank you all for comments, emails, letters, and packages! i got two packages the other day and have to admit, getting little gifts in rehab is better than any christmas morning i've ever enjoyed. a therapist has to give us packages and be present when we open them, so there were a few of us sitting around waiting our turn to open packages and we were all giddy and laughing with anticipatory joy and happiness for about 30 minutes until we finally had permission to start.

i realized a few weeks ago that i'd be spending halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and new years in rehab. possibly even my birthday. fantastic. actually, so far the holidays have been great. i'm surrounded by women i really have connected with and grown to love. it's nice not to stress much about anything except healing and recovery, and it's also nice to be in a place where nothing really phases anyone.

the second night i was here i had this moment the was like the deflating sigh at the end of a good cry, the kind of sigh that signifies release and relief. i had a feeling i'd never had before, that it was so okay that i wasn't perfect, that it was so okay that i had issues, that it was so okay that i'm so not okay. the feeling shocked me, it's the opposite feeling i've had my entire life. so interesting to me.

last week we got news that one of the women we love who recently graduated the program committed suicide. the past week has been really difficult and has inspired a lot of really deep emotions and thoughts. i don't really have much to say about it, i'm just thankful for those in my life that i thought i might lose at one point who i didn't. also, i am a lot more aware of how keenly i love my people.

i miss my camera, i can't wait to be able to shoot again. prescott is so beautiful, and fall is lasting and lasting. when i can photograph things i will show you this new place where i'm at home.

this city is my church.

refuge

the wonderful thing about being in a safe place is eventually you are able to start to feel again.

i spent thursday in one of the therapist's office sobbing and screaming into a pillow which she gave me. i left a lot of snot and mascara on the blue velvet. she wasn't even phased by anything, which i loved. she took me to some places i've been afraid of going in my past, but giving myself to the process is giving me a future. this weekend is a jumble of emotions, thoughts, and discoveries.

i'm immersed, i'm alive, i'm in pain, i'm in hope, i'm in wonder. the caterpillar is starting to grow it's wings. wait and see, this cocoon is only temporary- when i come back i'll be more colorful and alive than i ever thought possible.