a new week, a new chance to start over, a new week to figure things out.
this is my 3rd day off in a row from work, it's been SO needed.
i went to church yesterday for the first time in a long time. it wasn't that great but i was glad i went.
last night i went to south jordan so visit my uncle's family. blair and danae are so fantastic. i had a really good time and left with a warm heart. i'm so glad i have so much family around me since my own family is a few states away.
today's soundtrack: Bon Iver. it's that kind of moody morning where the clouds are grey and a bit heavy, and the world is damp because the storm last night bathed everything. i passed several wrecks on my way home last night. i'm so grateful to be alive today, and to have my car intact- that thing is my child and freedom.
almond milk from the store is gross. i miss my mom's. also, her blueberry shakes in the morning. those are so amazing.
today i'm picking up a girl at the airport. her name is Ali. she was set apart as a missionary yesterday and is coming to provo to enter the MTC. she was one of my efy girls 2 summers ago who is a convert. she decided the week of efy she wanted to serve a mission and now she's doing it. i'm really excited to see her, she's such a fantastic person.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
about time
DAAAAANG! a real post. finally!
update! i quit my call center job after i posted about it. too much stress managing 3 jobs, a vacation, and moving.
i've been working like a mad woman at my rehab job and now i'm looking forward to my next paycheck. this job is insane! i love it. the girls there right now are between 15-17 years old. there are 9 girls in the program right now and i love them all. i have today off because my supervisor felt i needed a break. it's true. his motivation was probably because he wants to minimize the overtime money, but i honestly really needed a break so i wouldn't blow up at someone. i nearly lost it with a girl yesterday when she asked for tweezers as we were rushing out the door and i said no, and she yelled at me. most days i would have laughed and said "really? are you really yelling at me because of this?" two days off. i haven't had two days off in a row for a long time.
there are so many things that need to be done, which is what i've been using today for. i guess i'm a real adult now since my "saturday" is now the day to catch up, not the day to have fun. boo.
when i catch my breath i'll start writing interesting things and maybe post some photos from my vacation last month.
i am more consistently busy and productive daily than i have ever been in my life. i feel good to be this productive and but sometimes i get so crazy with this new busy life that i wish i could go into a medically induced coma for a while.
this past week i've been to the gym 3 times, and on thursday i'm starting with a personal trainer. i want to feel good about myself again. it's been so long since i've been comfortable in my own body.
after i was assaulted last year i started hating my body and even who i was because i felt like who i was died that night and i would always live in the shadow of the girl i used to be. a couple of months ago i read in a book that a lot of survivors feel like their bodies are used and dirty afterwords (yep) and then the book went on to beautifully say something that has made a huge difference in my mindset. this is the quote, i've changed a couple of words because i am not ready to have them posted here in connection to me. maybe one day i'll be brave enough to call it what it was! anyway, here's the quote by matt atkinson:
"Remember, too, that body cells constantly replicate. They die, are dismantled by a process called Phagocytosis, and are replaced by entirely new cells. This means that the tissues of your body is much younger than your actual age. Your body is younger than you are, and the cells you were made of a few years ago are now entirely gone. In other words, the human body constantly regenerates. Only your DNA remains unchanged.
What does this mean? It means that the body you are living in, as you read this right now, is not the body you were [attacked] in. It also means that since your DNA remains unchanged, you are – at a molecular level – the same person you were always meant to be, and [assault] cannot change that. You are physically a different person than the... victim you once were, and your body is not a [used] body any longer. It has regenerated, and will continue to regenerate through your entire life. When you look into a mirror, you are no longer seeing a body that was [victimized]; that body has died and been replaced by entirely new matter. You are not living inside the shell of a... victim."
this thought has actually helped me heal emotionally. i am physically changing and leaving that body behind that i hated so much. i want to take care of and learn to love myself again. i'm trying to make healthier choices with food and i'm starting to really commit at the gym. i'm pushing myself hard, especially by using a trainer (i've had 2 free sessions to try it out) and i feel so worn out and proud of myself afterwords. i want to have a good relationship with myself again. it feels amazing to push myself and do something hard that is good for me.
and now, to end this post on a good note, here is a photo of the funny sign on the flower shop that i drive by with my girls at work sometimes, in the big 15 passenger van. they laugh at it every time:
update! i quit my call center job after i posted about it. too much stress managing 3 jobs, a vacation, and moving.
i've been working like a mad woman at my rehab job and now i'm looking forward to my next paycheck. this job is insane! i love it. the girls there right now are between 15-17 years old. there are 9 girls in the program right now and i love them all. i have today off because my supervisor felt i needed a break. it's true. his motivation was probably because he wants to minimize the overtime money, but i honestly really needed a break so i wouldn't blow up at someone. i nearly lost it with a girl yesterday when she asked for tweezers as we were rushing out the door and i said no, and she yelled at me. most days i would have laughed and said "really? are you really yelling at me because of this?" two days off. i haven't had two days off in a row for a long time.
there are so many things that need to be done, which is what i've been using today for. i guess i'm a real adult now since my "saturday" is now the day to catch up, not the day to have fun. boo.
when i catch my breath i'll start writing interesting things and maybe post some photos from my vacation last month.
i am more consistently busy and productive daily than i have ever been in my life. i feel good to be this productive and but sometimes i get so crazy with this new busy life that i wish i could go into a medically induced coma for a while.
this past week i've been to the gym 3 times, and on thursday i'm starting with a personal trainer. i want to feel good about myself again. it's been so long since i've been comfortable in my own body.
after i was assaulted last year i started hating my body and even who i was because i felt like who i was died that night and i would always live in the shadow of the girl i used to be. a couple of months ago i read in a book that a lot of survivors feel like their bodies are used and dirty afterwords (yep) and then the book went on to beautifully say something that has made a huge difference in my mindset. this is the quote, i've changed a couple of words because i am not ready to have them posted here in connection to me. maybe one day i'll be brave enough to call it what it was! anyway, here's the quote by matt atkinson:
"Remember, too, that body cells constantly replicate. They die, are dismantled by a process called Phagocytosis, and are replaced by entirely new cells. This means that the tissues of your body is much younger than your actual age. Your body is younger than you are, and the cells you were made of a few years ago are now entirely gone. In other words, the human body constantly regenerates. Only your DNA remains unchanged.
What does this mean? It means that the body you are living in, as you read this right now, is not the body you were [attacked] in. It also means that since your DNA remains unchanged, you are – at a molecular level – the same person you were always meant to be, and [assault] cannot change that. You are physically a different person than the... victim you once were, and your body is not a [used] body any longer. It has regenerated, and will continue to regenerate through your entire life. When you look into a mirror, you are no longer seeing a body that was [victimized]; that body has died and been replaced by entirely new matter. You are not living inside the shell of a... victim."
this thought has actually helped me heal emotionally. i am physically changing and leaving that body behind that i hated so much. i want to take care of and learn to love myself again. i'm trying to make healthier choices with food and i'm starting to really commit at the gym. i'm pushing myself hard, especially by using a trainer (i've had 2 free sessions to try it out) and i feel so worn out and proud of myself afterwords. i want to have a good relationship with myself again. it feels amazing to push myself and do something hard that is good for me.
and now, to end this post on a good note, here is a photo of the funny sign on the flower shop that i drive by with my girls at work sometimes, in the big 15 passenger van. they laugh at it every time:
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"
-Rocky Balboa
-Rocky Balboa
behind
i'm starting to stress when i think about my blogging life. there is a growing list of items to blog about both on this one and my photo blog. i realized yesterday that i have promised so many posts that never happened. delima! forgive self and press onward accepting bad blogging karma, OR quick catch up on the past 3 months worth of posts i've failed to create?
mostly the point of this post is to give you the relief of knowing that i am in fact still alive and generally doing quite well.
Monday, August 1, 2011
The beginning of a really nice week:)
We (me+fam) drove all day today and literally just settled into the beach condo we're going to enjoy until saturday.
Items worthy of note:
- I drove 3.5 hours of our trip, it rained for 2.5 of those and at one point a car passed us and sent a wave of water over my windshield. I couldn't see ANYTHING and then the tires hit water and we started hydroplaning. I managed to stay composed and save us all without yelling explitives, although I did have to let out one mellow "crap" to help me through it. I'm a champion.
- Orem & Provo suck if for no other reason than the only way to get chick-fil-a is at the mall. We enjoyed it for lunch today in Louisiana.
-my eye has been on fire for a few days. I'm trying so hard not to indulge in a whine fest. It hurts SO BAD!!! proof:
This is probably the most unattractive photo of me i've ever taken and shared publicly (sadly there are much worse photos in other places). I'm going excuse my lack of shame on the fact that I'm about to pass out from the pain of my EYE EXPLODING INTO FLAMES!!!!!
Note to future husband: please love me even though I posted this photo of myself on a public blog. more importantly, please love me even though I'm capable of looking like this and having a surprising and disturbing lack of shame. I don't even are that you can see my scary eyebrows, blackheads, and eye makeup goop. On the plus side, you have to admit despite the flaws, I kind of have fantastic eyelashes. I never noticed before.
Here's a more normal picture of me attempting to be as cute as possible in the sate I'm presently in. notice the closed eyes and washed out skin due to a photo editing app. I hope it repairs some of the damage created by the picture above:
I think I'm getting too conformable with my blog audience. My posts are starting to consistently expose my real self, that person everyone has locked away that's only supposed to come out at a sleepover with your best friends around 4am. You know what I'm talking about.
Well, this is all I'm going to post for now because we're about to start watching Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone, beginning our week long HP marathon. :D
goodnight, readers!
Items worthy of note:
- I drove 3.5 hours of our trip, it rained for 2.5 of those and at one point a car passed us and sent a wave of water over my windshield. I couldn't see ANYTHING and then the tires hit water and we started hydroplaning. I managed to stay composed and save us all without yelling explitives, although I did have to let out one mellow "crap" to help me through it. I'm a champion.
- Orem & Provo suck if for no other reason than the only way to get chick-fil-a is at the mall. We enjoyed it for lunch today in Louisiana.
-my eye has been on fire for a few days. I'm trying so hard not to indulge in a whine fest. It hurts SO BAD!!! proof:
This is probably the most unattractive photo of me i've ever taken and shared publicly (sadly there are much worse photos in other places). I'm going excuse my lack of shame on the fact that I'm about to pass out from the pain of my EYE EXPLODING INTO FLAMES!!!!!
Note to future husband: please love me even though I posted this photo of myself on a public blog. more importantly, please love me even though I'm capable of looking like this and having a surprising and disturbing lack of shame. I don't even are that you can see my scary eyebrows, blackheads, and eye makeup goop. On the plus side, you have to admit despite the flaws, I kind of have fantastic eyelashes. I never noticed before.
Here's a more normal picture of me attempting to be as cute as possible in the sate I'm presently in. notice the closed eyes and washed out skin due to a photo editing app. I hope it repairs some of the damage created by the picture above:
I think I'm getting too conformable with my blog audience. My posts are starting to consistently expose my real self, that person everyone has locked away that's only supposed to come out at a sleepover with your best friends around 4am. You know what I'm talking about.
Well, this is all I'm going to post for now because we're about to start watching Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone, beginning our week long HP marathon. :D
goodnight, readers!
Home:)
hello everybody:) i'm hailing from texas where I've been enjoying my entire family, my brother is home from his mission! This is why I've been absent from my blog. I'll be back to utah in a week and if I feel like it, I'll write a pretty good summary of the trip including random but interesting things I've thought about.
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