just another day

i started the day right by dropping a full bowl of cereal on my computer desk.

in a couple of hours i'm off to shoot the greatly anticipated wedding of ashley and sean. this morning i picked up the intense telephoto lens i'm renting for the event. it's the massive 70-200mm 2.8, nikon. buh BAM! expect greatness to appear on my photo blog in the very near future.

yesterday was my first day post-training at my new job at a call center. i have a badge, see?

i feel legit.

it ranks as a terrible job in the productive/enjoyable/entertaining department, does alright in the money department, and scores high in the "world's second greatest boss" department (my boss dan, from my rehab job is number 1. he's the most amazing person i've ever worked for). he is amazing because he hired me knowing i was taking 2 weeks off after my first week- i was afraid i wouldn't get the job.

"hello ____, my name is heather. i'm calling with education advance on a recorded line. how are you today? ... great! well i'm calling because i see that you were online recently and expressed interest in furthering your education. what are you interested in studying?" ....

yesterday i had a woman tell me that "now isn't a good time because i'm going through a divorce, getting ready for 2 surgeries, and losing my house at the moment," and talk about it for 10 minutes.

another girl answered and when i asked how she was she said "i'm sad" so i said "is this a bad time? should i call back at a better time?" and she said "no, now is fine."

another person responded to "how are you today" with "ehhh, okay i guess. it's really hot right now." yes, i can see how that could interfere with you having a good day, and it is definitely notable enough to inform your telemarketer of:)

there were a few interesting ringback tones on cell phone calls as well. a lot of old stuff that was popular when i was in middle school and high school. also had some song with the lyrics "make sweet love, make sweet love" over and over and then a BEEP "you know what to do" as the answering machine.

most of the calls go to answering machines, wrong numbers, or people who aren't interested and i started really being happy when someone would answer even if we were off the phone in 20 seconds. during the down time i drew stars on the back of my log sheet.

so for my own pleasure i'm going to list my schedule for the weekend:

today: deliver client DVD, wedding
tomorrow: finish unpacking, call center job
saturday: 4-6 hours at call center, 8 hours at rehab job
sunday: rehab
monday: call center, get room ready for new roommate who is moving in while i'm out of town
tuesday: FLY TO TEXAS IN THE EARLY A.M. and escape my life for 1 week of safety at home and 1 week of bliss in florida with my family.

i have no idea how i'm managing to manage work schedules for 3 jobs. that has been about 80% of my stress the past 3 days, because i overlapped all 3 jobs by mistake, twice. thank God i have amazing bosses with forgiveness and generosity in their hearts.

I NEED THIS VACATION SO BAD!!!! tuesday can't come soon enough. i wish i had a bottle of xanax to get me to it in one piece. stupid nurses wouldn't give me a long term prescription! my last one ran out 3 months ago.

i may have a mild stroke before i make it home.

my keyboard is still sticky from milk. i'm going to go clean my work station a bit more thoroughly now if you'll excuse me, and then get on with the exciting weekend ahead of me!! :P

new home

i am in a new home- i moved to orem, utah, yesterday morning. i like it. my big window faces directly west, and i enjoyed a lovely glow as the sun set tonight. really, it's perfect.

soon i'll have a roommate. i hope i like her, and vice versa. i still haven't met any of the other 4 girls who live here.

you know how sometimes you start driving on auto pilot and then suddenly you arrive at a destination and feel like you are jolted awake? you know how disconcerting it feels to realize you are where you were going, but you don't remember the drive to get there?

i had a moment like that today, but not with driving. i was laying on my new bed after unpacking a bit, looked around at the boxes that hold my possessions, looked out the window at the new view that i will be seeing daily, and i felt a moment of panic:

where am i? i don't know anybody here. i feel more at home when i go to work at the rehab house than anywhere else right now. what? what is going on? how did i get here? this is where i've been struggling for so long to arrive at. i don't really know how i got here. how did i get in this place? is this really what i want? am i going to be happy? lonely? productive? content? isolated? comfortable? i felt very weird for a moment. that disconnecting feeling, the disassociation as i now know it as making me feel like my life has been a blur and i haven't been living in it. somebody else lived for me, until that very moment when i was startled into reality, randomly.

lucky for me, lately i have so much

work work work.

i just got a second job, at a call center. i start on monday. hello, year round 50-60 hour work weeks. goodbye, chance of a social life. of any life.

oh well! i've gots to make the moneys. there's not really any choice, but i'm okay with it! kind of excited, actually. i've never been consistently this busy in my entire life.

i'm learning (a few years late) that's what being an adult entails, for the most part.

2 week trip with my family is appearing on the horizon of my isolated existence! oh sweet mercy, thank you for this coming vacation. the next week is going to be hecka stressful with a brand new job on top of a gotten-used-to job, living arrangement, and a wedding, but the reward will be so worth it! we're going to watch harry potter every night and play on the gorgeous beaches of florida.

then, on to real life. always.

***

also, ironic story:

last night i was SO HAPPY to be driving to my new apartment for the first time. i only have a 10 minute commute from here to work compared to the 45 minute commute i've made for several months from south jordan. part of my excitement was the fact that i was going to have a turn around shift for the second time this week, meaning i worked from 2-10pm yesterday, and had work again this morning from 6am-2pm. oh, cruel irony! as i pulled on the highway, traffic halted. literally stopped. why? damn utah construction. i sat at a stand still for literally 15 minutes before i could slowly make my way back to my new place, which is conveniently located just past the heart of the road reconstruction disaster.

haven

i'm moving to a townhouse in orem on friday. i'm going to miss this^. it's been my haven for exactly 1 year, this friday.

more instagram

it really is an obsession.

also, i love my job. just sayin!! i am so happy to go to work every day!! i love the girls, and we have fun despite the difficult situation they're in and drama that is a given considering it's a house full of girls:)

i feel so productive every time i work. i work right along with the girls pulling weeds and cleaning up the community, moving dirt in the yard, visiting disabled kids, going to the gym, hiking. yesterday we hiked the "Y" in provo. i drive them around in a huge, ancient 15 passenger van. i feel so cool in it:) it doesn't have air conditioning so we have all the windows open. the girls look for eye candy in the cars we pass and talk talk talk about all the boys we see. we can't listen to music so they just sing and laugh and yell whenever we drive anywhere. it's pretty fun:)

they laughed so hard at me yesterday because i got overly excited when they asked me to play cards with them after dinner. i told them it was the most exciting thing i'd done all week and how i was so happy they wanted me to play with them even though i SUCK at cards and they have to patiently explain rules and suffer through games with me:) i really was so happy! i'm so pathetic sometimes. i guess that's why they laughed. even though it's work, i have so much fun. i love the staff as well, i just really enjoy everyone there.

i have work today:)

things that bother me

i feel like making a list of things that piss me off so i can get it out of me and spend my time on something more productive:

- waiting to turn into an intersection or road and waiting for that car that is just close enough that you need to wait, but just far enough that it takes a while, and at the last second they put on their blinker and turn so it was actually unnecessary to wait for them. AHH.

- entitlement

- people who don't take no for an answer: salesmen, adolescents, and males immediately come to mind.

- malfunctioning technology

- lies

- when people change plans and don't tell me, or when i am not informed of who will be hanging out at the time. i really hate showing up and then realizing that there are a slew of other people joining the activity that i wasn't aware of. even if i like them. i just need to know who, what, when, and where. if any of those change, i need to know. ocd maybe? naw, just my personal brand of crazy i suppose.

- feeling like a hypocrite. this is the worst.

- people who play music too loud when wearing headphones to where everyone else around is subjected to it but the idiot is blissfully unaware. this happened yesterday while i was waiting for an appointment. i kept laughing at the girl though because she listened to a song (that i dislike) on repeat for the entire time. at least 20 minutes. AHHHHHH.

- rejection.

- anyone who consistently and intentionally refuses to communicate about things (and even denies that there are issues needing communication) and excuses this behavior by declaring that it's just the way they are, and it's their personality to avoid. oh, in that case, go ahead. well it's in my nature to hate you then. i shouldn't have to change. i'm going to hurt you. it's just who i am when i'm pissed at you. deal with it. ;)

that's about it. my brain is starting to go fuzzy and i need to go to bed. i had too much caffeine at 1:30am and it's now 4:20am. i was productive and finished editing a family session. i'm getting tired now so it's off to sleep:)

also, "bohemian rhapsody" by queen came up on shuffle and has been assaulting my ears for 3 minutes and i just barely realized it. how annoying. it's definitely time to sleep.

.

taken a little over a year ago.

i couldn't look at this photo for a long time.

i'm me

these few lyrics (edited and less graphic for my blog ha) express how i'm feeling. thank you lil wayne, for unfailingly knowing how i feel:

"The only time I was dependent is when I'm 70 years old

Thats when I can't hold my **** within, so I **** on myself

Cause I'm so sick and tired of ****ing on everybody else"

HAHA. when i first wrote these lyrics out i used the word "poo" as to most directly represent the sentiment expressed by mr. wayne. the result was hilarious (i was laughing as i typed because i somehow haven't matured and still think that the word "poo" is hilarious) and just as obscene which kills the intended feel. so, i decided to use sensor stars so as to be the least offensive but still get the point across.

i suppose that if i were to write the idea expressed in my own words it would be something like:

i am tired of dropping my baggage on my people. it's time to carry it myself. i'm completely capable of dealing with my own crap.

in order to avoid offending some of my more delicate readers i probably should have just said that, but lil wayne's blunt and direct way of expressing the EXACT thing that i feel is worth recording for my sake (this is MY blog after all, someday i'll print and bind it to have a record). also, there may possibly be another immature human out there who finds the "poo" substitution just as hilarious as i do.

p.s. spell check is underlining the word "poo" so i guess it's not even a real word anymore?

trying to find the in-between

i'm alone. the glow from the TV is keeping me company, but the show I've binged on today is paused. my mind is a hamster wheel, spinning so fast with a variety of unarticulated thoughts, and i can't sleep.

i'm tired of being alone. too many unwanted memories and thoughts bubble to the surface of my consciousness and immerse me in feelings that i've tried so hard to run away from.