family

i've had lots of mind fog today. ugh:( however, this girl (my cousin e, who was visiting today for halloween festivities) totally made me happy when she came over and asked for cuddles. holding tiny, warm, cuddly human beings makes you realize the essentials: simply to love and be loved. when you realize you have that, everything else weighing you down seems less significant, and more manageable. i love my family.

it's so good i live with kids right now.

music

look, i love music. all of it. though i don't delve into every genre extensively, it all offers something. for example, the instrumental version of rapper lil wayne's new song "right above it"... just awesome. i just want to move when i hear this stuff:

also for your audio pleasure i present "around us" by jonsi:

i LOVE music.

my amazing friend jonathan is an audio buff. he just invested in a bunch of recording equipment, so yesterday i went to visit him and he showed me the stuff. the best part was he showed me how it's done and we recorded a cover of iron and wine's "naked as we came" with me doing vocals (yikes!) and jonathan playing the guitar. if i can get him to send an mp3 file to me maybe i'll post it here as well! i really hate hearing my voice when i'm recorded, but thanks to his amazing microphones and other excellent equipment i actually liked listening to it! here's the actual song:

morning

sophia put her pants on backwards. there are tie strings which are now hanging in the back. hehe:)


glamorous model pose:





evan got a rad haircut yesterday. he is so handsome!!!



off to school!!!

it's getting cold.

it has been cold all weekend. when i first realized that summer is completely dead and fall is heading that way fast, i felt sick. NOOO. i am NOT ready for the misery that is freezing winter. why is warmth such a small part of the year? the realization that we're beginning the transition from fall to winter made me incredibly depressed for a minute. maybe it's the long walks through slush to school, the cold wind seeping under crappy apartment doors, or not seeing the sun for months on end that have conditioned my depressed response to winter beginning. then i mentally began listing reasons why it's actually really exciting:
- i'm not in school. this is exciting because i don't have to wake up in the early AM to trudge through slush and spend the day in class with wet, freezing pants!!! this is probably the #1 reason i hate winter. and it's eliminated now. YES!
- it's cozy time.
- new things to photograph:)
- i live with kids, so that means i'll probably be playing in the snow.. yeah for sledding, snowmen, and snowball fights!!
- christmas!
- and also, LONG UNDERWEAR!!!

i'm so indecent. :D

chapstick/lazy day/current state of mind

just so you know, this is the correct way to apply chapstick.. especially when it's coca cola flavored.

and this is definitely the correct way to snuggle in the morning after the big kids go to school. fyi, it is currently 1:55pm (photo taken around 8am) and i still look like this.. and i haven't really moved. how embarrassing for me!! ;) i have been considering a shower, a change of clothes, and eating.. but i haven't been quite compelled to yet. i love days like this. definitely happy not to be in school right now. definitely glad i can work from home and nobody needs to see me.


i have been stumped about what to write about for 3 days. i usually have to curb myself when writing because i tend to carry on, but it's not coming to me right now.. mostly because i have been thinking a lot and it's hard for me to articulate what i really want to say. there are a lot of half formed blog posts floating around my mind, and i have started and deleted about 4 posts in the past couple of days.. just a bit of mind blockage i suppose. anyways, despite the less frequent posting this week, some good blog lovin' will happen soon.. when i pull my mind together!!

why the title of my blog

"at her music" probably hasn't made much sense to you, my appreciated reader. i've wanted to post about my choice so you understand. also, it would be nice to have it recorded so that when i'm wrinkly, technologically tired someday, and reading the printed copy of the blog from my youth, i'll remember and smile.

it's based on the title of a book, "girl, interrupted" by susanna kaysen, whose title is based on a painting called "girl interrupted at her music" by johannes vermeer. quote from the book:

"This time I read the title of the painting: "Girl Interrupted at Her Music".

Interrupted at her music: as my life had been, interrupted in the music of being seventeen, as her life had been, snatched and fixed on canvas: one moment made to stand still and to stand for all the other moments, whatever they would be or might have been."
- "Girl Interrupted" by Susanna

girl.
me, writing the story of my life, here.
..not the average 21 year old female protagonist.

interrupted.
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come."- Joseph Campbell
my life has been interrupted so many times.. that's the human experience though, right? where we think we're headed and where we actually end up tend to be different.. not always, but generally, yes. interruptions can change plans completely, alter them a little, or merely put them on hold for a while. whatever the cause, they happen, frequently. part of life's lesson is learning how to cope with them and continue on.

at her music.
"Life is like music, it must be composed by ear, feeling and instinct, not by rule. Nevertheless one had better know the rules, for they sometimes guide in doubtful cases, though not often."- Paracelsus

so, i'm at my music, experiencing the symphony that is my life with feelings and instincts born in my old, artist's soul.


p.s. (unrelated to post!!) i have a bad habit of editing my posts after i publish because i also have the bad habit of not proofreading before publishing. does it mess up your blog reader and post a new one every time i publish, or does it just refresh the original post?

an accurate depiction of my life:

we're actually being really productive... by our standards.
this is what pretty much every single evening looks like once the kids go to bed. it's a good life.

gear lust

i'm expensive.
my dream gear bag would include:

nikon d700 with grip:

nikkor 24-70mm f/2.8:

nikkor 70-200mm f/2.8 lens:

nikkor 24mm f/1.4

nikkor 50mm f/1.2 manual focus lens:

which i could use on this awesome film camera, a nikon f3:

and while i'm at it, a new instant camera with wide photos would be sweet too. :D

such a good weekend...

the photo has nothing to do with what i'm writing about, but i like it and posts are better with photos anyway.

friday was good. one of my great friends from high school came to visit me, heather hall:) we had a while to chat and just be together which was awesome because she moved to chicago with her husband brad 6 months ago.

friday night i drove to logan and spent a couple of nights there with my dear friends janey and donald. we watched a lot of tv, janey and i stayed up talking until 5:30am, and we made DELICIOUS enchaladas. basically it was a perfect weekend!!!

now listening to:
"just impolite" plushgun
"blood bank" bon iver
"the predatory wasp of the palisades is out" sufjan stevens
"manchester" brendan james
"your summer dress" dirty on purpose

now watching:
parks and recreation
modern family
nikita
glee
the office
dora the explorer (sophia's drug and the bane of all others in this house)

i actually like the first two, parks and recreation + modern family. the rest... i have no idea why i suffer through them. i'm becoming a tv junkie.

I LOVE MOCKUMENTARIES!!!!!!

missing:
damon
chelsea
amie
and soon kirsten. they're all on missions.

work:
going well. 2 shoots for next week, possibly 3.

well, that's my life currently, you're up to date now. have a good one!

bath time

sophia. oh sophia.
today i went into the garage to get something, she saw me go and turned the light on for me after i went into the dark garage.

tonight we had a dance party and the kids showed off their moves (which are really sweet). then we looked at the stars and told scary stories but kept laughing our heads off...

i'm addicted to TV. yikes!

i ran today. go me!! the treadmill faces the wall, so while i was running marian walked into the basement behind me and yelled to scare me. OH MY GOSH. i about died. i jumped and started yelling and screaming. my reaction scared the snot out of her. and 10 minutes later we had a laughing fit on my bedroom floor about it.

lots of little things happen every day. i should write more stories down to remember them.

editing

the kids woke up early this morning so i got up and decided to finish the wedding i've been working on. we're watching "anastasia" and it's cozy. i'm content.

this is an image i liked from the wedding i'm working on right now. maybe it's the grain, or the people, but i really like it for some reason.

rush hour

i usually drive to provo during rush hour by myself, thus do not have legal access to the HOV lane which is going 20mph faster than the rest of the freeway (significant when the other lanes are going 7mph). tonight i had sophia and marian in the backseat and as we were crawling along i realized i could go in the carpool lane i had a rush of excitement and immediately (at 7mph in traffic) merged. within 20 seconds i realized that this would not be to my advantage, because as (my) luck would have it, we slowed to a stop. my complaint is this: it is just WRONG to be in the carpool lane at a stand still while other cars are whizzing by at a speedy 5mph in the normal lanes. also, it doesn't help the situation when you're listening to children's music for 1.5 hours for the sake of the kids whose presence enabled said access to HOV lane. sad day, i only stayed in that lane for 2 minutes before pursuing more efficient routes.

also, i would like to announce that i have found a cure for insomnia. it's called taking care of multiple children for a few days. it's only 10:22pm and i'm wiped out.. as tired as i am, it's quiet and i have a few hours to myself. since i know you want to know how i'm passing that time, i'll tell you: watching "titanic" which is my favorite comfort movie (i do NOT know why. don't ask), drinking a tall glass of ice water, blogging, and editing a friend's wedding photos. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. tired as i am, sleep is so unappealing right now.

I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your love

i've been really into christian music lately. this one is worth a listen, it's a new one from brandon heath. i really connect with the entire song. listen to it and read the lyrics. it's so good.

YOUR LOVE
Brandon Heath

I felt it first when I was younger
A strange connection to the lie
I tried to satisfy the hunger
I never got it right
I never got it right

So I climbed a mountain and l built an altar
Looked out as far as I could see
And everyday I’m getting older
I’m running outta dreams
I’m running outta dreams

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost
Not everything is lost

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You’re the hope in the morning
You’re the light when the night is falling
You’re the song when my heart is singing
it’s Your love
You’re the eyes to the blind man
You’re the feet to the lame men walking
You’re the sound of the people singing
It’s Your love

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

But Your love
(Your love is all that I needed)
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
(Your love is all that I needed)
It’s Your love
Your love
It’s all I ever needed

(warning, long post ahead!) i believe in christ. personal miracle:

just so you know: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! i'm such a happy girl. i sort of feel like this again, free:

the past 3 months have felt somewhat like hell. you know, a seemingly endless fiery furnace, a bit of teeth gnashing, a bit of misery. BUT! there's a happy ending. actually, a happy BEGINNING because happiness is once again in my vocabulary, and my life.. i'm moving forward.

personal story:
3 months and 3 days ago, something really bad happened. it wasn't my fault, but it directly affected me in some big ways. the person responsible for this upheaval is no longer a part of my life, and to my knowledge will never attempt to make amends. i was so ANGRY and it was poisoning me a bit lot. it was frustrating to realize i needed to forgive the person even though forgiveness will never be asked for. i didn't want to. i REALLY didn't want to. i felt stuck and hopeless.

a week ago i had this impression that i should start going to institute, immediately. on monday i went to class and guess what the lesson ended up being about? yep. forgiveness. i asked a question at the beginning of the lesson and it ended up dominating class time which i appreciated. that lesson sparked some intense personal study and prayer. the result is really personal but i just can't keep quiet: I believe in God. Jesus the Christ is my Savior. His love is overwhelming. His grace is sufficient for ALL. i posted this in an earlier quote, but i have to say it again in my own words: i stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. I am sufficient for Him to own, redeem, and to justify. that has become enough for me.

something that my institute teacher gave me was the visual of a broken heart, which we are told is necessary. how can God penetrate a heart that is hard? only when our hearts are broken open, God can place mercy, compassion, and the healing balm of love, peace, reassurance, hope, and joy inside. if you don't allow your heart to break, how can the pride, misery, anger, and self destructive beliefs held so close ever be released?

this is my testimony: Christ heals. His atonement enables Him to help us perfectly through all of our pain, because HE KNOWS. His grace was sufficient to help me when i did not have the capacity to do as He asks all of us, and forgive another person. His grace enabled that forgiveness, and is now helping me heal. this was the first week of the rest of my life, which so far has been amazing.

i LOVE Him, because He first loved me. (1 john 4:19) He loved (and continuously loves), in the nurturing, caring, awareness, presence, and literal kind of way. my love for Him is more of the amazed, grateful, need-you-like-oxygen kind of love.

my happiness is also because:
- my family is AMAZING. i'd literally be lost and living in a cave without them (both immediate and extended)
- my friends are dear, incredible human beings. i wouldn't be nearly as inspired to live a good life without their existence in mine.
- i have found music to express what i cannot.
- the people in my new ward family at church are really really good people. i've started talking to them, and it made my day today.
- there are so many things to be grateful for. seriously, i'm so blessed.

fyi, this post was prompted by a lady's question in my relief society meeting today. she said she had no idea how to forgive someone who she felt she deserved an apology from. she asked how you go about forgiving when you don't think you'll get that apology? someone else gave the exact answer i would have, based on personal experience: you PRAY. get on your knees, pour out your heart. then, ask the Lord to give you His charity, pray for the person who wronged you (hard, but do it), and allow His love to change you. i promise, the hardest part is having the desire to forgive. it took me a long time, although considering the situation maybe it wasn't very long at all. on this side of it, all i can say is, it works. we just have to allow it, it's not that we actually DO it. which is a relief, because honestly, there are times when we just can't. not alone.

ALSO, other reasons why today is great:
we had bacon for dinner (seriously, how could any day be bad when you're eating bacon? i'll start the diet tomorrow;) haha)
and, marian made a marshmallow/toothpick flower for me to enjoy:

it's business time

i have been considering the idea that it's about time to care about my body again, and stop letting myself go. today that idea was reinforced and i now feel the urgent need to do so asap. there are 2 reasons for this new motivation. i'm sure y'all's (2 APOSTROPHES IN 1 WORD!!! is this even real?) next question is "please, Please, PLEASE, tell us what 2 things created this urgent need to lose some body fat!!!" since i'm a kind blogger, i will oblige.

1. today i shot a wedding. i pulled my wedding pants off the hanger and put them on. all was well, if tight, until i tried to button them up. after struggling with the three buttons for literally 5 minutes, i had to lay down on my bed to be able to button the pants. it still took a minute or two. thus, i didn't engage in any activity that required the unbuttoning of those pants for the next 8 hours (i.e. peeing).

2. at said wedding, the adorable flower girl came up to me and we exchanged this dialogue:
girl: what's your name?
me: heather. what's yours?
girl: why do you have no dad?
me: well he just isn't here!?
girl: oh.. what's his name?
me: damon. what is your name?
girl: autumn. do you have a baby?
me: nope i don't! why? do i look like i would have a baby?
girl: yes, in there.

she looked pointedly at my belly. she is the 3rd kid in the past couple of months to ask about my nonexistent pregnancy.

la la la.


^this is my first attempt at slow sync flash photography, i taught myself today through google. :)

also, everyone should feel bad for me (let out a collective sigh of pitty now) because i got lost driving home tonight and it took 1.5 hours in stead of .5 because i'm an idiot sometimes. i don't know how i got where i got instead of where i should have been. sadly, no titanic binge happened on account of getting home late and exhausted, and also no full length movie online.

i've concluded that i need an iphone. knowing my luck, even if i had one, the battery would have been dead in the getting lost situation, or i would be out of service and have no access to internet, or my car would run out of gas so it wouldn't matter anyway.

yes please:

finally saw "inception" last night, thanks to my friend jonathan. swoon:

my love for dicaprio that was blazing during my "titanic" obsession a couple of years ago has rekindled. marry me!

i have a wedding this evening.. i'm totally excited for it, and afterwards i think i'm gonna have a titanic binge.. so basically today's gonna be AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

just something to think about:

i took marian on a quick shoot tonight because the sky was incredible and the temple gorgeous. i love living right behind a temple, it's a great life:)

cheap entertainment

just a few new favorite awkward family photos from tonight's browsing:)

a bit of comic relief from life.

also:

and then this:

favorite quotes:
"ahhh! why did i need coffee now?!"
"see, my lil' knee"
"maybe i should faint.. but i don't"
"mi amigos, mi amigos! nobody said nothin"

now watch:

and:


thought i'd share these funnies that have been making me laugh recently:)