thank you all for comments, emails, letters, and packages! i got two packages the other day and have to admit, getting little gifts in rehab is better than any christmas morning i've ever enjoyed. a therapist has to give us packages and be present when we open them, so there were a few of us sitting around waiting our turn to open packages and we were all giddy and laughing with anticipatory joy and happiness for about 30 minutes until we finally had permission to start.

i realized a few weeks ago that i'd be spending halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and new years in rehab. possibly even my birthday. fantastic. actually, so far the holidays have been great. i'm surrounded by women i really have connected with and grown to love. it's nice not to stress much about anything except healing and recovery, and it's also nice to be in a place where nothing really phases anyone.

the second night i was here i had this moment the was like the deflating sigh at the end of a good cry, the kind of sigh that signifies release and relief. i had a feeling i'd never had before, that it was so okay that i wasn't perfect, that it was so okay that i had issues, that it was so okay that i'm so not okay. the feeling shocked me, it's the opposite feeling i've had my entire life. so interesting to me.

last week we got news that one of the women we love who recently graduated the program committed suicide. the past week has been really difficult and has inspired a lot of really deep emotions and thoughts. i don't really have much to say about it, i'm just thankful for those in my life that i thought i might lose at one point who i didn't. also, i am a lot more aware of how keenly i love my people.

i miss my camera, i can't wait to be able to shoot again. prescott is so beautiful, and fall is lasting and lasting. when i can photograph things i will show you this new place where i'm at home.

this city is my church.

refuge

the wonderful thing about being in a safe place is eventually you are able to start to feel again.

i spent thursday in one of the therapist's office sobbing and screaming into a pillow which she gave me. i left a lot of snot and mascara on the blue velvet. she wasn't even phased by anything, which i loved. she took me to some places i've been afraid of going in my past, but giving myself to the process is giving me a future. this weekend is a jumble of emotions, thoughts, and discoveries.

i'm immersed, i'm alive, i'm in pain, i'm in hope, i'm in wonder. the caterpillar is starting to grow it's wings. wait and see, this cocoon is only temporary- when i come back i'll be more colorful and alive than i ever thought possible.

hiatus

a few recent pictures from my phone. <3 instagram.

forgive me, i probably won't post for a while. i'm off to figure things out.

peace!

camera

It's been a while since I've used my camera, and right now it's in storage. I feel very weird without access to it. I am itching to shoot things.. I have to keep pushing the thought from my mind.

One day when I have cash, I'm going to buy some prime lenses and an even better camera body. Oh! I could do so many lovely things!

It's been a while since I've shot a wedding or any session at all, and I'm missing it tonight. I don't think Utah is the right place for me to photograph people, I swear I'm going to make it to Washington and maybe there my wedding venture will explode!

pictures of emily

i have 3 weeks until arizona. today has been kind of rough. i really miss my independence and my job. i miss my computer, and my camera.

my sister looked so beautiful today and i wanted to do a shoot with her. i took a few snap shots on my phone, but oh, if i'd only had my camera and 20 minutes! here are a few of the shots:







this stupid blog is frustrating me. i've been trying to make a new template (which is hard given that i'm not even using my computer/photoshop/resources) and it's not working very well. thanks for being patient with it.

well, i'm in a bad mood today so i won't post very much in order to avoid emotional ranting that i delete 2 hours later when i'm back to reality and feel  highly embarrassed at my behavior on the Internet..

I got out

To update you after that last miserable post, I've moved. I couldn't stay in Utah anymore. I'm now back in Texas with my family, although I will be moving to Arizona in about 3 weeks. I'm happier already. :)

My parents both make good food. Here is some curry we enjoyed today thanks to my dad. It has sausage in it from a deer he shot himself when he went hunting for the first time this year.



I have a lot of free time now, without my job (tears). I have spent a lot of it watching all the tv shows I missed during their summer hiatus and stalking people on the internet. There are so many insanely talented and interesting people online. I miss my gorge Mac which is in storage (THANKS DANAE/BLAIR!) for a while, all the blogs look way better on a Mac than a phone. Ah well!

In a few months when I get things situated in my life, and figure out where exactly my new life will be and consist of, I want to contribute to the Internet more. Reconstruct my blog. Be creative again. Take pretty pictures, and make my living place beautiful and chic.

I need a titch of time to heal properly from the past year and a half, get in touch with my Self again, and give myself a second chance at life.

It's so strange to me how far i am away from myself. I told my girls when I quit my job that I hope someday they want help because I know who they can be if they get help. I told them that's why I had to leave, because I need and want help because I can't be who I know I really am, who I'm capable of being, unless I get a bit of help.

Working at that rehab center changed my life. I eventually want to run a program myself! I think I would want it to get to the cause of negative behavior, help girls with the fundamental issues that have led to their acting out, not just focus on changing their behavior.

Anyway, I'm going to go shopping with my mom now. I'll probably post again soon:)

need to relocate

i need to get out of utah. i hate driving around here, i hate this place. there are too many memories, reminders, regrets. everything reminds me of things i've been trying so hard to forget.

the mountains are beautiful and sunset is magnificent but even the beauty here makes me ache with sadness. it reminds me, too.

this place is too familiar to me, familiar like an unpleasant dream.

the culture here is frustrating. i don't know how to figure things out when things are cloudy with fake religion, naive belief, and hostile judgement from both the faithful and the unbelieving. i can't see clearly.

i feel so distant from the people here, i don't like the dating culture, the academic culture, the pressure and the competition. i'm tired of the college town life. i've lived here for 4.5 years and i'm tired of it. i don't fit in here. i don't belong here.

i want to move somewhere new, somewhere i don't have any memories or associations with, somewhere beautiful, somewhere that i can start over. i need to begin my life, instead of just continue to plod along, somewhere in between merely functioning and successfully and happily thriving. i've thought about my reasons for moving and have decided that i'm not trying to escape, i just want to be somewhere where i can actually live.

(image by sean flanigan)

bedroom

a little project i started on my wall yesterday.

happy

my sweet friend holly posted a music video on her blog last month that i really liked. i loved the lyrics. i know that lately i post songs that could maybe sound kind of sad but they inspire me in some way. they're about real life. this one is exactly how i feel about things! it's called "happy" by leona lewis.

[Verse 1:]

Someone once told me that you have to choose

What you win or lose

You can't have everything

Don't you take chances

Might feel the pain

Don't you love in vain

Cause love won't set you free

I can't stand by the side

And watch this life pass me by

So unhappy

But safe as could be

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah

Just wanna be happy, yeah

[Verse 2:]

Holding on tightly

Just can't let it go

Just trying to play my role

Slowly disappear, ohh

But all these days, they feel like they're the same

Just different faces, different names

Get me out of here

I can't stand by your side, ohh no

And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

[Bridge:]

So any turns that I can't see,

like I'm a stranger on this road

But don't say victim

Don't say anything

[Chorus:]

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place

I wanna hear my sound

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

[Outro:]

I just wanna be happy

Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy

I just wanna be, ohh

I just wanna be happy

Ohh, happy

...

self portrait

(pictures were taken in my bedroom circa 7:30pm. the light is so beautiful at this time)

Trying to swim but you’re sinking like a stone, alone

And I can feel fire in the night waiting here

Baby it’s like we’re walking on a wire through the fear

Take my hand, we’ll get there

Sooner or later, I swear we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it,

Sooner or later, I swear we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it,

Milk and honey ’til we get our fill

I’ll keep chasing it, I always will

Sooner or later, I swear

We’ll make it there

Sooner than later

We’re all waiting on a dream that’s hard to own, sooner or later

Trying to feel the high without the low, you know

You can feel fire in the night lying here

Baby it’s like we’re walking on a

wire through the fear

Take my hand, we’ll get there

The fear inside, the hills we’ve climbed

The tears this side of

heaven, all these dreams inside of me

I swear we’re gonna get there

"Sooner Or Later" - Mat Kearney

monday

a new week, a new chance to start over, a new week to figure things out.

this is my 3rd day off in a row from work, it's been SO needed.

i went to church yesterday for the first time in a long time. it wasn't that great but i was glad i went.

last night i went to south jordan so visit my uncle's family. blair and danae are so fantastic. i had a really good time and left with a warm heart. i'm so glad i have so much family around me since my own family is a few states away.

today's soundtrack: Bon Iver. it's that kind of moody morning where the clouds are grey and a bit heavy, and the world is damp because the storm last night bathed everything. i passed several wrecks on my way home last night. i'm so grateful to be alive today, and to have my car intact- that thing is my child and freedom.

almond milk from the store is gross. i miss my mom's. also, her blueberry shakes in the morning. those are so amazing.

today i'm picking up a girl at the airport. her name is Ali. she was set apart as a missionary yesterday and is coming to provo to enter the MTC. she was one of my efy girls 2 summers ago who is a convert. she decided the week of efy she wanted to serve a mission and now she's doing it. i'm really excited to see her, she's such a fantastic person.

about time

DAAAAANG! a real post. finally!

update! i quit my call center job after i posted about it. too much stress managing 3 jobs, a vacation, and moving.

i've been working like a mad woman at my rehab job and now i'm looking forward to my next paycheck. this job is insane! i love it. the girls there right now are between 15-17 years old. there are 9 girls in the program right now and i love them all. i have today off because my supervisor felt i needed a break. it's true. his motivation was probably because he wants to minimize the overtime money, but i honestly really needed a break so i wouldn't blow up at someone. i nearly lost it with a girl yesterday when she asked for tweezers as we were rushing out the door and i said no, and she yelled at me. most days i would have laughed and said "really? are you really yelling at me because of this?" two days off. i haven't had two days off in a row for a long time.

there are so many things that need to be done, which is what i've been using today for. i guess i'm a real adult now since my "saturday" is now the day to catch up, not the day to have fun. boo.

when i catch my breath i'll start writing interesting things and maybe post some photos from my vacation last month.

i am more consistently busy and productive daily than i have ever been in my life. i feel good to be this productive and but sometimes i get so crazy with this new busy life that i wish i could go into a medically induced coma for a while.

this past week i've been to the gym 3 times, and on thursday i'm starting with a personal trainer. i want to feel good about myself again. it's been so long since i've been comfortable in my own body.

after i was assaulted last year i started hating my body and even who i was because i felt like who i was died that night and i would always live in the shadow of the girl i used to be. a couple of months ago i read in a book that a lot of survivors feel like their bodies are used and dirty afterwords (yep) and then the book went on to beautifully say something that has made a huge difference in my mindset. this is the quote, i've changed a couple of words because i am not ready to have them posted here in connection to me. maybe one day i'll be brave enough to call it what it was! anyway, here's the quote by matt atkinson:

"Remember, too, that body cells constantly replicate. They die, are dismantled by a process called Phagocytosis, and are replaced by entirely new cells. This means that the tissues of your body is much younger than your actual age. Your body is younger than you are, and the cells you were made of a few years ago are now entirely gone. In other words, the human body constantly regenerates. Only your DNA remains unchanged.

What does this mean? It means that the body you are living in, as you read this right now, is not the body you were [attacked] in. It also means that since your DNA remains unchanged, you are – at a molecular level – the same person you were always meant to be, and [assault] cannot change that. You are physically a different person than the... victim you once were, and your body is not a [used] body any longer. It has regenerated, and will continue to regenerate through your entire life. When you look into a mirror, you are no longer seeing a body that was [victimized]; that body has died and been replaced by entirely new matter. You are not living inside the shell of a... victim."

this thought has actually helped me heal emotionally. i am physically changing and leaving that body behind that i hated so much. i want to take care of and learn to love myself again. i'm trying to make healthier choices with food and i'm starting to really commit at the gym. i'm pushing myself hard, especially by using a trainer (i've had 2 free sessions to try it out) and i feel so worn out and proud of myself afterwords. i want to have a good relationship with myself again. it feels amazing to push myself and do something hard that is good for me.

and now, to end this post on a good note, here is a photo of the funny sign on the flower shop that i drive by with my girls at work sometimes, in the big 15 passenger van. they laugh at it every time:

the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"
-Rocky Balboa

behind

i'm starting to stress when i think about my blogging life. there is a growing list of items to blog about both on this one and my photo blog. i realized yesterday that i have promised so many posts that never happened. delima! forgive self and press onward accepting bad blogging karma, OR quick catch up on the past 3 months worth of posts i've failed to create?

mostly the point of this post is to give you the relief of knowing that i am in fact still alive and generally doing quite well.

The beginning of a really nice week:)

We (me+fam) drove all day today and literally just settled into the beach condo we're going to enjoy until saturday.

Items worthy of note:

- I drove 3.5 hours of our trip, it rained for 2.5 of those and at one point a car passed us and sent a wave of water over my windshield. I couldn't see ANYTHING and then the tires hit water and we started hydroplaning. I managed to stay composed and save us all without yelling explitives, although I did have to let out one mellow "crap" to help me through it. I'm a champion.

- Orem & Provo suck if for no other reason than the only way to get chick-fil-a is at the mall. We enjoyed it for lunch today in Louisiana.

-my eye has been on fire for a few days. I'm trying so hard not to indulge in a whine fest. It hurts SO BAD!!! proof:





This is probably the most unattractive photo of me i've ever taken and shared publicly (sadly there are much worse photos in other places). I'm going excuse my lack of shame on the fact that I'm about to pass out from the pain of my EYE EXPLODING INTO FLAMES!!!!!

Note to future husband: please love me even though I posted this photo of myself on a public blog. more importantly, please love me even though I'm capable of looking like this and having a surprising and disturbing lack of shame. I don't even are that you can see my scary eyebrows, blackheads, and eye makeup goop. On the plus side, you have to admit despite the flaws, I kind of have fantastic eyelashes. I never noticed before.

Here's a more normal picture of me attempting to be as cute as possible in the sate I'm presently in. notice the closed eyes and washed out skin due to a photo editing app. I hope it repairs some of the damage created by the picture above:






I think I'm getting too conformable with my blog audience. My posts are starting to consistently expose my real self, that person everyone has locked away that's only supposed to come out at a sleepover with your best friends around 4am. You know what I'm talking about.

Well, this is all I'm going to post for now because we're about to start watching Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone, beginning our week long HP marathon. :D

goodnight, readers!

Home:)

hello everybody:) i'm hailing from texas where I've been enjoying my entire family, my brother is home from his mission! This is why I've been absent from my blog. I'll be back to utah in a week and if I feel like it, I'll write a pretty good summary of the trip including random but interesting things I've thought about.

just another day

i started the day right by dropping a full bowl of cereal on my computer desk.

in a couple of hours i'm off to shoot the greatly anticipated wedding of ashley and sean. this morning i picked up the intense telephoto lens i'm renting for the event. it's the massive 70-200mm 2.8, nikon. buh BAM! expect greatness to appear on my photo blog in the very near future.

yesterday was my first day post-training at my new job at a call center. i have a badge, see?

i feel legit.

it ranks as a terrible job in the productive/enjoyable/entertaining department, does alright in the money department, and scores high in the "world's second greatest boss" department (my boss dan, from my rehab job is number 1. he's the most amazing person i've ever worked for). he is amazing because he hired me knowing i was taking 2 weeks off after my first week- i was afraid i wouldn't get the job.

"hello ____, my name is heather. i'm calling with education advance on a recorded line. how are you today? ... great! well i'm calling because i see that you were online recently and expressed interest in furthering your education. what are you interested in studying?" ....

yesterday i had a woman tell me that "now isn't a good time because i'm going through a divorce, getting ready for 2 surgeries, and losing my house at the moment," and talk about it for 10 minutes.

another girl answered and when i asked how she was she said "i'm sad" so i said "is this a bad time? should i call back at a better time?" and she said "no, now is fine."

another person responded to "how are you today" with "ehhh, okay i guess. it's really hot right now." yes, i can see how that could interfere with you having a good day, and it is definitely notable enough to inform your telemarketer of:)

there were a few interesting ringback tones on cell phone calls as well. a lot of old stuff that was popular when i was in middle school and high school. also had some song with the lyrics "make sweet love, make sweet love" over and over and then a BEEP "you know what to do" as the answering machine.

most of the calls go to answering machines, wrong numbers, or people who aren't interested and i started really being happy when someone would answer even if we were off the phone in 20 seconds. during the down time i drew stars on the back of my log sheet.

so for my own pleasure i'm going to list my schedule for the weekend:

today: deliver client DVD, wedding
tomorrow: finish unpacking, call center job
saturday: 4-6 hours at call center, 8 hours at rehab job
sunday: rehab
monday: call center, get room ready for new roommate who is moving in while i'm out of town
tuesday: FLY TO TEXAS IN THE EARLY A.M. and escape my life for 1 week of safety at home and 1 week of bliss in florida with my family.

i have no idea how i'm managing to manage work schedules for 3 jobs. that has been about 80% of my stress the past 3 days, because i overlapped all 3 jobs by mistake, twice. thank God i have amazing bosses with forgiveness and generosity in their hearts.

I NEED THIS VACATION SO BAD!!!! tuesday can't come soon enough. i wish i had a bottle of xanax to get me to it in one piece. stupid nurses wouldn't give me a long term prescription! my last one ran out 3 months ago.

i may have a mild stroke before i make it home.

my keyboard is still sticky from milk. i'm going to go clean my work station a bit more thoroughly now if you'll excuse me, and then get on with the exciting weekend ahead of me!! :P

new home

i am in a new home- i moved to orem, utah, yesterday morning. i like it. my big window faces directly west, and i enjoyed a lovely glow as the sun set tonight. really, it's perfect.

soon i'll have a roommate. i hope i like her, and vice versa. i still haven't met any of the other 4 girls who live here.

you know how sometimes you start driving on auto pilot and then suddenly you arrive at a destination and feel like you are jolted awake? you know how disconcerting it feels to realize you are where you were going, but you don't remember the drive to get there?

i had a moment like that today, but not with driving. i was laying on my new bed after unpacking a bit, looked around at the boxes that hold my possessions, looked out the window at the new view that i will be seeing daily, and i felt a moment of panic:

where am i? i don't know anybody here. i feel more at home when i go to work at the rehab house than anywhere else right now. what? what is going on? how did i get here? this is where i've been struggling for so long to arrive at. i don't really know how i got here. how did i get in this place? is this really what i want? am i going to be happy? lonely? productive? content? isolated? comfortable? i felt very weird for a moment. that disconnecting feeling, the disassociation as i now know it as making me feel like my life has been a blur and i haven't been living in it. somebody else lived for me, until that very moment when i was startled into reality, randomly.

lucky for me, lately i have so much

work work work.

i just got a second job, at a call center. i start on monday. hello, year round 50-60 hour work weeks. goodbye, chance of a social life. of any life.

oh well! i've gots to make the moneys. there's not really any choice, but i'm okay with it! kind of excited, actually. i've never been consistently this busy in my entire life.

i'm learning (a few years late) that's what being an adult entails, for the most part.

2 week trip with my family is appearing on the horizon of my isolated existence! oh sweet mercy, thank you for this coming vacation. the next week is going to be hecka stressful with a brand new job on top of a gotten-used-to job, living arrangement, and a wedding, but the reward will be so worth it! we're going to watch harry potter every night and play on the gorgeous beaches of florida.

then, on to real life. always.

***

also, ironic story:

last night i was SO HAPPY to be driving to my new apartment for the first time. i only have a 10 minute commute from here to work compared to the 45 minute commute i've made for several months from south jordan. part of my excitement was the fact that i was going to have a turn around shift for the second time this week, meaning i worked from 2-10pm yesterday, and had work again this morning from 6am-2pm. oh, cruel irony! as i pulled on the highway, traffic halted. literally stopped. why? damn utah construction. i sat at a stand still for literally 15 minutes before i could slowly make my way back to my new place, which is conveniently located just past the heart of the road reconstruction disaster.

haven

i'm moving to a townhouse in orem on friday. i'm going to miss this^. it's been my haven for exactly 1 year, this friday.

more instagram

it really is an obsession.

also, i love my job. just sayin!! i am so happy to go to work every day!! i love the girls, and we have fun despite the difficult situation they're in and drama that is a given considering it's a house full of girls:)

i feel so productive every time i work. i work right along with the girls pulling weeds and cleaning up the community, moving dirt in the yard, visiting disabled kids, going to the gym, hiking. yesterday we hiked the "Y" in provo. i drive them around in a huge, ancient 15 passenger van. i feel so cool in it:) it doesn't have air conditioning so we have all the windows open. the girls look for eye candy in the cars we pass and talk talk talk about all the boys we see. we can't listen to music so they just sing and laugh and yell whenever we drive anywhere. it's pretty fun:)

they laughed so hard at me yesterday because i got overly excited when they asked me to play cards with them after dinner. i told them it was the most exciting thing i'd done all week and how i was so happy they wanted me to play with them even though i SUCK at cards and they have to patiently explain rules and suffer through games with me:) i really was so happy! i'm so pathetic sometimes. i guess that's why they laughed. even though it's work, i have so much fun. i love the staff as well, i just really enjoy everyone there.

i have work today:)

things that bother me

i feel like making a list of things that piss me off so i can get it out of me and spend my time on something more productive:

- waiting to turn into an intersection or road and waiting for that car that is just close enough that you need to wait, but just far enough that it takes a while, and at the last second they put on their blinker and turn so it was actually unnecessary to wait for them. AHH.

- entitlement

- people who don't take no for an answer: salesmen, adolescents, and males immediately come to mind.

- malfunctioning technology

- lies

- when people change plans and don't tell me, or when i am not informed of who will be hanging out at the time. i really hate showing up and then realizing that there are a slew of other people joining the activity that i wasn't aware of. even if i like them. i just need to know who, what, when, and where. if any of those change, i need to know. ocd maybe? naw, just my personal brand of crazy i suppose.

- feeling like a hypocrite. this is the worst.

- people who play music too loud when wearing headphones to where everyone else around is subjected to it but the idiot is blissfully unaware. this happened yesterday while i was waiting for an appointment. i kept laughing at the girl though because she listened to a song (that i dislike) on repeat for the entire time. at least 20 minutes. AHHHHHH.

- rejection.

- anyone who consistently and intentionally refuses to communicate about things (and even denies that there are issues needing communication) and excuses this behavior by declaring that it's just the way they are, and it's their personality to avoid. oh, in that case, go ahead. well it's in my nature to hate you then. i shouldn't have to change. i'm going to hurt you. it's just who i am when i'm pissed at you. deal with it. ;)

that's about it. my brain is starting to go fuzzy and i need to go to bed. i had too much caffeine at 1:30am and it's now 4:20am. i was productive and finished editing a family session. i'm getting tired now so it's off to sleep:)

also, "bohemian rhapsody" by queen came up on shuffle and has been assaulting my ears for 3 minutes and i just barely realized it. how annoying. it's definitely time to sleep.

.

taken a little over a year ago.

i couldn't look at this photo for a long time.

i'm me

these few lyrics (edited and less graphic for my blog ha) express how i'm feeling. thank you lil wayne, for unfailingly knowing how i feel:

"The only time I was dependent is when I'm 70 years old

Thats when I can't hold my **** within, so I **** on myself

Cause I'm so sick and tired of ****ing on everybody else"

HAHA. when i first wrote these lyrics out i used the word "poo" as to most directly represent the sentiment expressed by mr. wayne. the result was hilarious (i was laughing as i typed because i somehow haven't matured and still think that the word "poo" is hilarious) and just as obscene which kills the intended feel. so, i decided to use sensor stars so as to be the least offensive but still get the point across.

i suppose that if i were to write the idea expressed in my own words it would be something like:

i am tired of dropping my baggage on my people. it's time to carry it myself. i'm completely capable of dealing with my own crap.

in order to avoid offending some of my more delicate readers i probably should have just said that, but lil wayne's blunt and direct way of expressing the EXACT thing that i feel is worth recording for my sake (this is MY blog after all, someday i'll print and bind it to have a record). also, there may possibly be another immature human out there who finds the "poo" substitution just as hilarious as i do.

p.s. spell check is underlining the word "poo" so i guess it's not even a real word anymore?

trying to find the in-between

i'm alone. the glow from the TV is keeping me company, but the show I've binged on today is paused. my mind is a hamster wheel, spinning so fast with a variety of unarticulated thoughts, and i can't sleep.

i'm tired of being alone. too many unwanted memories and thoughts bubble to the surface of my consciousness and immerse me in feelings that i've tried so hard to run away from.

summer

thank God for summer. i spent yesterday afternoon at the pool laying out on a towel plugged into my ipod. it felt so good because i've been working hard and needed a little break to recharge. and yes, wow, i just made two references to myself being like electronics. i'm a NERD!!!!

tomorrow i'm signing a contract for the townhouse i found to live in for the next year! i'm so excited. i hope my roommate is cool to live with. i've had my own room for the past year and before that i shared with my best friends. it's been years since i've roomed with a stranger.

i'm overwhelmed with emotions when i think about moving. after things fell apart last summer i found refuge in south jordan with my uncle's family, and now i'm finally ready to head back out on my own but i am scared. i've been trying hard to move past what happened last summer, but i still feel disconnected from my life before i was assaulted.

the disconcerting thing as i discussed in my last post is the disconnect- everything that happened in my 21 years before the assault still feels like a movie, not my life. i am shocked when i remember the past and realize it's mine.

that's why i'm a bit apprehensive (while simultaneously being excited and ready). i am leaving the only place i feel connected to, and i'm going out on my own. i may be nervous but i'm strong. mostly i feel excited. who knows what the next phase of my life will bring. i have hope that it will be wonderful!

more pondering

these photos were taken a year ago.

quick disclaimer: since this is my blog i am not going to apologize for spending so much time talking about a year ago. i probably will post several more times about it, it's therapeutic! i don't mind if i lose the few readers i have, you can roll your eyes and move on to something more interesting like this random site that has a picture of a lama on it. i actually googled "boring websites" and found this, so as to have a link for you to escape with. it is probably more interesting than this blog will be for a while. you're welcome.

do you ever look at photos of yourself from the past and think of all the things that person is about to experience and how she has no idea what's in store? i do that all the time, but not with these photos. i think it's because i am very far away in them and they aren't very personal- it really could be any girl in these photos.

that's how my life before last year feels now. sometimes i feel so disconnected i want to scream. it's like remembering a movie you saw a while ago. you remember what you thought about it and what it was about, but it's a fuzzy memory with lots of holes and missing parts, and it's not your life, but you were immersed in it once, when you watched.

last fall was rather uncomfortable as i would space out all the time- people would talk to me and i could see them talking but my mind wouldn't comprehend anything coming out of their mouth. i'd ask people to repeat themselves constantly. once i asked a friend to repeat herself 5 times. she was sitting next to me and my mind was just blank. i finally laughed and acted like i finally heard her and then left quickly because i felt so empty between my ears. very disconcerting.

all of that (spacing and feeling disconnected) is getting loads better. i'm making so much progress! i have fun, i'm working hard, and i feel like i'm busier than i've been in a long time. in the next week or two i'll be moving to orem. i found a place to live. it's perfect! it's a little town house. rent is cheap, and it is everything i've been looking for. i'm coming back into the world:)

i found this quote somewhere:

"You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair." — Douglas MacArthur

i'm probably 50, my hope and optimism about the future are about equal with my fears and doubts. that's an improvement over how i felt most of the past year!

summer

utah sucks because it is almost july and this is the first week that has felt like summer really is here to stay.

i have a lot of time on my hands this week which is resulting in time to watch tv, take walks to the lake, and think too much. when my life is quiet all of the demons i've fought and the memories i've repressed come back and make it hard to be as happy as i am when i'm busy. that's probably true for most people. sometimes i really need time to just meditate and process what's happened, but lately it's mostly unproductive so i've been trying to avoid thinking too much. what's past is past, and that's how it should stay.

still, i can't help thinking about how much my life has changed, how much i have changed. i am in the complete opposite place in life i thought and planned on being in 1.5 years ago. sometimes that makes me really really sad but most of the time i'm okay with it now. i've accepted myself and my life, and have been working really hard for a few months to move forward in life.

rebuilding a life is hard, but i know this isn't the last time i'll do it. no place or phase in life is permanent. we just pass through different places, states of mind, environments, situations, social groups, and jobs. good times don't last, but neither do bad times. at the beginning of this year i felt hopeless, things were never going to change, never going to get better. well, thank God they have. things are so much better.

in 2 weeks it will be my first anniversary from the most life changing event i've experienced so far. i may take the day off from work and go on a little road trip. i'm not sure i am ready for that marker yet. maybe i'll write a blog post about everything that has happened and how i'm so much stronger than i was a year ago. maybe i'll burn some pictures, or maybe i'll just go through the day like normal. food will definitely be involved. but maybe, maybe somehow i'll forget and the day will pass without acknowledgement. i doubt that will happen this year, but the year that it does i will know that it really is in the past.

******

i love my new job, working on the day staff at the residential rehab center. it's difficult though, not being able to trust any of the girls without even knowing them. you just have to assume that everything they say is a lie until it checks out, avoid being manipulated (hard! i keep being manipulated without realizing it until later) and make sure that you are aware of all of the girls and what they are doing/talking about constantly for 8 hours. hard but so fun because somehow that's all endearing to me. i guess i have a soft spot in my heart for teen angst.

it's funny to me that i got a job where all day i am trying not to be manipulated, reminding people of personal and social boundaries, and resolving the dramatic conflicts that arise constantly and out of the blue all day. it's funny because this year i reached an all time low in regards to being taken advantage of, manipulated, and abused and i finally had enough. i've been able to become much more assertive and now anytime i even THINK that someone may try to invalidate or take advantage of me in any way, i have this compulsion to maul them. one extreme to the other, that's me:) considering all this, it's funny that at the job i'm at i spend the entire day doing just that (protecting myself, the girls, and the rules of the house).

i am looking for housing in orem and provo, and i'm planning on moving in the very near future as my job is full time and i'm starting to dislike the constant commute from south jordan to provo. i've already put 3300 miles on my car and i haven't even had a chance to pay my first car payment, although that's due to the retarded company i bought the car from, financing was a mess.

that's pretty much all i have to say right now, not much else is happening or on my mind!

i'm too tired to think of a good post title.

i work from 10pm-6am. tonight i've spent a considerable time on this genius and beautiful site:

sometimes i want to write a whole bunch of things but i don't know how to start. the words just don't come.  that's happening tonight, people. this could be due to the fact that i have worked almost every night for the past week, i'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, and it's 3am. i mean, it's possible is all i'm sayin. since i seem unable to create a post, i'm just going to make a list of the things i'm thinking about; that's easier than forming sentences and stuff.

- the program director at my work officially offered me a full time position on day staff! as soon as a new employee is hired and trained to replace me, i'm off grave! i am so happy. i've wanted this type of job for a few years now.

- i've been reading the transcripts from the elizabeth smart trial, and watching a few interviews on youtube. she is my hero.

- i am becoming so assertive. i stood up for myself twice in the past week in incredibly significant ways. i am a champion. :)

- today was the first hot day of the year. finally utah is acting like it's june, not march. :P if it's sunny tomorrow, i'm off to the pool.

- there's also some other stuff that i'm suddenly too tired to think of and articulate.

it feels like today

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life. Define yourself."
~Harvey Fierstein

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
~Fredrick Douglas

"There is little advantage in considering yourself a victim. No one can deny you your right to an unsinkable resolve of the heart." - Jesh deRox

and lastly:

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:

This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.

When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."
- Stacey Charter

random photos on my phone from the past week

the photos in this post are not in chronological order. the order they are in is the order in which i feel like posting and writing about them. first, i would like to start with this photo of my darling cousin sophia:

i am sitting here laughing as i type, because this picture perfectly illustrates the reason that this baby had so many bruises on her knees right now. she's going through a growth spurt i guess, and has recently become very klutzy and clumsy- she's constantly tripping, falling, banging into things, and in general getting knocked around. the other day she ran up to her dad to give him a hug on the couch and somehow got hurt on the way, tripping into his arms. she said "oh, not AGAIN!" and burst out crying. so sad. so freaking cute. anyway, the precarious position of her body as she is running in this photo sums up the stage she's in right now.

here's another photo, marian and sophia. they're running on a school playground i let them loose on while waiting for evan to get out of swim team practice.


we hit target before the school playground. after we dropped evan off, i asked them what they wanted to do with the hour we had to kill. marian said "i have 3 ideas, you probably will say no to all of them." i made her tell them to me. she wanted to go to the dollar section at target and then a park or to mcdonald's. i said yes, mostly because i couldn't come up with anything better, and hey, why not? here they are at target, they went crazy when i said they could pick out one thing each. sophia found a winner, a 4th of july themed pin wheel. they played with it all evening, and it is now sitting in a flower pot in the front yard. i was planning on making this post a while ago and i had thought of something funny to say about this photo, but now i can't remember.


i would also like to share this random but cute picture of marian being adorable one morning:

i went to the farm in mapleton for a birthday party/memorial day lunch with family on monday. my two favorite photos.

i'm at my night job right now. i'm pretty tired. i am going to end this blog post before i start rambling about things and potentially posting pages worth of random song lyrics, which will inevitably result in my deleting the post in the morning when my judgment isn't clouded by fatigue and i remember that real people actually read my posts sometimes.

:)

photo adventure with friend rob