photo adventure with friend rob

sincere question that i've wondered for a couple of years now

why can't things just go the way they're supposed to?
ever?

picture of a car

in a funk today and don't know why.

downtown

i am obviously going a bit crazy with the instagram app. it's probably a sweet phase but i'm happy for now. i posted a few of my favorites on my photo blog.

yesterday i wanted to take off to vegas for a few days which would have been a mistake, so i improvised and drove to downtown salt lake to spend a day by myself. i ate sushi at a park and relaxed in the sun. later i joined hundreds of others at the gateway mall, and then ended the day by hiking ensign peak for the sunset (which was gorgeous). i met a posse of cool people because they asked me to take a picture of their group and i ended up convincing them to do a bunch of silhouette shots against the beautiful sky.  there was a married couple in the group and they asked for a couple of pics alone. i directed and took a silhouette shot of them hugging and the guy kissing her forehead. she was so happy when she saw it she hugged me:) it made me happy.

burn

^the only physical thing that's left of the 8 page story that changed my life.

update on my life

i spent some much-needed quality time with my best friend and her husband the past couple of days up in logan. it was so fantastic! we ate at cafe rio with free meal punch cards we've been saving for an outing together. we also watched TV, and stayed up all night talking.

the drive up to logan was gorgeous:

i'm at work right now, i work graveyard part time at a rehab house. for some reason tonight i've been thinking a lot about my life over the past year and a half. my life has gone exactly opposite of the way i thought it was going to go, back in fall 2009.

my mind has been so unfocused for a long time. i feel like i'm in a fog, floating through life. i don't know why my brain is so weird, i just can't hold on to any memories in a solid way. i remember things the way you remember a movie- disconnected.

i've been spending a lot of time with my friend jonathan. speaking of jonathan, he bought a motorcycle. doesn't he look like he belongs on this bike? i'm excited for him to get it all fixed up and take me on a ride:)

i took sophia and evan to the park a few days ago. they played and i hung upside down (or "up eyes down" as sophia says) for a while. the world looked really cool so i took pictures:

the weather was decent for a day or two last week and so i played with sophia in the backyard for a bit. i let her take a few pictures with my big camera. isn't she so freaking cute? ahhh:

well that's all for now, unless inspiration hits me again in the next 3 hours before i get off work. :)

computer solution

i have to pinch the bottom right corner of my screen so it doesn't do this:

that makes it hard to work because i need my right hand, so today i found a solution with a clothespin:

so ghetto:) the reality of my job is less than glamorous.

purge of random thoughts

i am in a slump and falling behind in a lot of things, work in particular. i was really sick last weekend and am still recovering but i didn't have time to be sick, especially it's taking too long to get myself back into life.

my friend jonathan has been tempting me to go on a spontaneous road trip at least once a week over the past while and it's taking everything in me not to just abandon everything for a few days and hit the road.. especially when he says we can go wherever i want. AHHHHHHHHHH. california! washington state! oregon!!! las vegas!!!

i'm planning that road trip actually, drive up to washington, check it out to see if i really want to move there next year. then i want to head over to oregon, make it to the coast and then drive down the coast of california. i plan on looping back up to utah through las vegas and staying for a couple of days to party and also hit the spa at the mandalay place hotel. i'd love to go this year, but unless a financial miracle happens, that's not likely. i'm going to completely plan it anyways.

it's SUMMER! today is HOT (for utah- hush, texas people) and there's no going back! i will kill something if it snows again before october. just bought a little swim suit today to celebrate. can't wait for the pools to open in a couple of weeks!! possible bear lake trip with friends is in my future as well:D

i'm trying to figure out how to improve my photography business. i have ideas, its just implementation that's hard. i have a vision of what i'd like it to become, i just am not totally sure how to get there.

i took the kids to the park a few days ago and told them not to go to the lake by the park. i lost track of sophia and when i realized i didn't see her at the playground i started running towards the lake. when i got to her she had completely stripped and was walking towards the water. i shamefully gathered her up amidst the other people down there who'd been wondering where the adult responsible for her was. yeah, that was me.

getting personal

today i came across the blog called "divorced at 20." i love reading blogs where people express themselves honestly and unashamedly. it's so interesting to read about total strangers lives. sometimes i wish i were brave enough to post about my life that way, but i always wonder how appropriate or socially acceptable it is to post things that people normally don't talk about, without it being anonymous. even the post from last night about my new jeans makes me slightly anxious. it makes me a bit vulnerable which i tend to avoid at all costs. honestly sharing yourself and your life opens you up to judgment and invalidation, but it is probably really freeing at the same time. i think it's brave.

sometimes i wish i could publicly talk about the events that have made the past year and a half a total crapper, why i avoid people, why i live in sweats, or how i really feel about the big topics (religion, sex, politics). it would be liberating to freely discus the imperfections and trails that i have. instead, i joke about things, make light of really heavy situations, and gloss over the deep emotions when i do share my life with people. on my blog, i barely even acknowledge things.

for example, this post was intentionally so vague. what i really wanted to write was how the picture of my feet is in the police station, how the closure was found in confronting a detective who mistreated me and mishandled my case. i wanted to write about how significant the experience was, but it was in the "too personal for the public's comfort" category. maybe i'll be brave enough to post honestly someday.

why do we do that? why can't we be raw, emotional beings and not judge or condemn each other for it, or be afraid of being judged or condemned? i don't think there isn't a single living soul free of personal demons.

sometimes the thought of my private life being public information is appealing because then it's not just my personal burden. would it be inappropriate to heal through blogging? would it be admirable? would it be a disaster? i don't know if i'll ever be brave enough to find out.

every time i read a blog, a book, an article where really personal, ugly things are shared, it makes me feel respect for the person brave enough to be honest. a while ago i was at barns and nobel flipping through books and came across a self help book about being happy. it starts with the author's personal story which makes the book better because she isn't preaching without experience. she talks about how she was sexually assaulted by a friend and how it took a year to start to live again. she was a self help, motivational speaker and felt bad because she wasn't taking her own advice. i wish i could remember the name of the book. i was actually jealous that she could so unashamedly talk about such a horrific experience where anyone could see, knowing that people she will never even be aware of will know something so personal. it's so brave! also, because she's willing to be up front, honest, and personal, the book is much more credible. she's able to help a lot of people because she doesn't keep that a secret.

maybe someday, if it could help someone, i'll try writing personally like that. i definitely have enough material to fill a blog.

any thoughts or comments about this topic?

some honest thoughts about my wardrobe, body, and life.

i realize it has been a long long time since i've properly updated my personal blog. somehow i still get a few hits every day according to google analytics. bless you.

my absence has been a combination of an unusual increase of activity in my life (thus, less blogging time), a lack of appropriate content, and laziness. occasionally as i'm going about my day something random will trigger me to start composing a blog post in my head, but obviously they haven't actually materialized for a while. it happened tonight and i'm deciding to act on it. hooray! the long silence is over! heather lorraine janis is back in the personal blogging arena, this announcement is for those who care. not that i'm blogging for an audience, but since i sort of have one, here ya go.

what prompted this post? well, over the past 2 days i purchased 3 pairs of jeans: 1 pant, 2 capri. this is so significant it should shame me to tears. i have owned 1 pair for the past year, which i outgrew months ago.

background: until recently, on any given day you could expect with certainty that the event of me getting dressed would consist in exchanging pjs for sweats. story to back this up: after 1 month of knowing me, my new friend cosette gave me a new pair of sweats for my birthday, knowing i would be ecstatic. success.

wearing sweats has sadly become my trademark. an aunt has referred to my sweats as my "uniform" for more than 2 years. i really haven't had a need for normal clothes. in general over the past few years i've worked from home, i've been in and out of school, and i've been inappropriately anti social for my age. i really haven't had a reason to have a nicely stocked closet. buying new clothes consisted of new tank tops and sweats to lounge in when the old ones got tired.

anyways, the past couple of months i've been going out with friends and generally participating in life more normally. i discovered that this new lifestyle requires wearing something other than sweats 24/7, and as a result i've been squeezing my 2 sizes larger butt into the sole pair of jeans i own, and been absolutely miserable.

nearly every female in this country can relate to this next topic, which the discussion of my sweats habit leads us to: weight and shopping. see, i've put off buying new pants for months because (since we're being openly honest here) i'm not exactly happy with my body. shopping is depressing. the subconscious commentary during shopping consists of evaluating the clothes for the body i would LIKE to have, and promise to have before i put myself through another clothing expedition. then, since it's been decided that i WILL be a different size in the future, buying new clothes seems pointless because they won't fit in 2 months and wasting money like that is ridiculous. am i alone in this experience, ladies?

(side note, it's pretty much a given that no matter what size, weight, or shape a lady is at any point in her life, she will find it hard to be content. the causes for this are unimportant for this particular post. it's only looking back on the way her body was in the past (at which point she was most likely also unhappy) that she believes she was in an acceptable place physically.)

desperation for something decent and socially acceptable to wear out of the house builds until it becomes necessary for me to attempt a clothing purchase, so reluctantly i try every few months. obviously i have failed several times, since i've worn the one pair of too-small jeans for over a year.

let me tell you, wearing too-small jeans for any period of time is not good for the ole self esteem.

this is the part where i tell you about how thanks to not shopping alone, i found a pair of amazing jeans and my life has been dramatically changed for the better. i didn't think it would be possible to look good in pants for at least 20 pounds (which holds true for most woman at any weight or size). this is a lie! it's possible to look good just where you are, you just have to find clothes that fit and make the body you have look good. whew.

just so y'all know, i will not be hiding in sweats any longer! yeah, i would be happy if i lost some weight (who wouldn't be), but it doesn't seem so urgent now that i can look decent going out in normal clothes. i'm undecided about whether this loss of interest in shaping up is a good or a bad thing....

i feel the need to say "the end" now, since this blog post is unnecessarily long. whatever!

OH, really quick, i'm currently listening to "swimming" by florence and the machine (thanks derek) and have to make the comment that i really love the violins from 2:04-2:12.

AHH! i haven't blogged in so long! i forgot i like to do this!

since posts are naked without photos, here is one i took today of a tattoo i drew on friend's leg:

it turned out pretty sweet, eh? i've found a new career path! ;)

sophia

i've got to do a real shoot with this kid soon.

sophia is hilarious. she finished potty training recently, but saves her own m&m's to reward herself with when she does business right. :)

new car!!!

i bought a car:)

it's so new it hasn't even been farted in yet.   :)