rush hour

i usually drive to provo during rush hour by myself, thus do not have legal access to the HOV lane which is going 20mph faster than the rest of the freeway (significant when the other lanes are going 7mph). tonight i had sophia and marian in the backseat and as we were crawling along i realized i could go in the carpool lane i had a rush of excitement and immediately (at 7mph in traffic) merged. within 20 seconds i realized that this would not be to my advantage, because as (my) luck would have it, we slowed to a stop. my complaint is this: it is just WRONG to be in the carpool lane at a stand still while other cars are whizzing by at a speedy 5mph in the normal lanes. also, it doesn't help the situation when you're listening to children's music for 1.5 hours for the sake of the kids whose presence enabled said access to HOV lane. sad day, i only stayed in that lane for 2 minutes before pursuing more efficient routes.

also, i would like to announce that i have found a cure for insomnia. it's called taking care of multiple children for a few days. it's only 10:22pm and i'm wiped out.. as tired as i am, it's quiet and i have a few hours to myself. since i know you want to know how i'm passing that time, i'll tell you: watching "titanic" which is my favorite comfort movie (i do NOT know why. don't ask), drinking a tall glass of ice water, blogging, and editing a friend's wedding photos. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. tired as i am, sleep is so unappealing right now.

I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your love

i've been really into christian music lately. this one is worth a listen, it's a new one from brandon heath. i really connect with the entire song. listen to it and read the lyrics. it's so good.

YOUR LOVE
Brandon Heath

I felt it first when I was younger
A strange connection to the lie
I tried to satisfy the hunger
I never got it right
I never got it right

So I climbed a mountain and l built an altar
Looked out as far as I could see
And everyday I’m getting older
I’m running outta dreams
I’m running outta dreams

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost
Not everything is lost

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You’re the hope in the morning
You’re the light when the night is falling
You’re the song when my heart is singing
it’s Your love
You’re the eyes to the blind man
You’re the feet to the lame men walking
You’re the sound of the people singing
It’s Your love

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

But Your love
(Your love is all that I needed)
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
(Your love is all that I needed)
It’s Your love
Your love
It’s all I ever needed

(warning, long post ahead!) i believe in christ. personal miracle:

just so you know: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! i'm such a happy girl. i sort of feel like this again, free:

the past 3 months have felt somewhat like hell. you know, a seemingly endless fiery furnace, a bit of teeth gnashing, a bit of misery. BUT! there's a happy ending. actually, a happy BEGINNING because happiness is once again in my vocabulary, and my life.. i'm moving forward.

personal story:
3 months and 3 days ago, something really bad happened. it wasn't my fault, but it directly affected me in some big ways. the person responsible for this upheaval is no longer a part of my life, and to my knowledge will never attempt to make amends. i was so ANGRY and it was poisoning me a bit lot. it was frustrating to realize i needed to forgive the person even though forgiveness will never be asked for. i didn't want to. i REALLY didn't want to. i felt stuck and hopeless.

a week ago i had this impression that i should start going to institute, immediately. on monday i went to class and guess what the lesson ended up being about? yep. forgiveness. i asked a question at the beginning of the lesson and it ended up dominating class time which i appreciated. that lesson sparked some intense personal study and prayer. the result is really personal but i just can't keep quiet: I believe in God. Jesus the Christ is my Savior. His love is overwhelming. His grace is sufficient for ALL. i posted this in an earlier quote, but i have to say it again in my own words: i stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. I am sufficient for Him to own, redeem, and to justify. that has become enough for me.

something that my institute teacher gave me was the visual of a broken heart, which we are told is necessary. how can God penetrate a heart that is hard? only when our hearts are broken open, God can place mercy, compassion, and the healing balm of love, peace, reassurance, hope, and joy inside. if you don't allow your heart to break, how can the pride, misery, anger, and self destructive beliefs held so close ever be released?

this is my testimony: Christ heals. His atonement enables Him to help us perfectly through all of our pain, because HE KNOWS. His grace was sufficient to help me when i did not have the capacity to do as He asks all of us, and forgive another person. His grace enabled that forgiveness, and is now helping me heal. this was the first week of the rest of my life, which so far has been amazing.

i LOVE Him, because He first loved me. (1 john 4:19) He loved (and continuously loves), in the nurturing, caring, awareness, presence, and literal kind of way. my love for Him is more of the amazed, grateful, need-you-like-oxygen kind of love.

my happiness is also because:
- my family is AMAZING. i'd literally be lost and living in a cave without them (both immediate and extended)
- my friends are dear, incredible human beings. i wouldn't be nearly as inspired to live a good life without their existence in mine.
- i have found music to express what i cannot.
- the people in my new ward family at church are really really good people. i've started talking to them, and it made my day today.
- there are so many things to be grateful for. seriously, i'm so blessed.

fyi, this post was prompted by a lady's question in my relief society meeting today. she said she had no idea how to forgive someone who she felt she deserved an apology from. she asked how you go about forgiving when you don't think you'll get that apology? someone else gave the exact answer i would have, based on personal experience: you PRAY. get on your knees, pour out your heart. then, ask the Lord to give you His charity, pray for the person who wronged you (hard, but do it), and allow His love to change you. i promise, the hardest part is having the desire to forgive. it took me a long time, although considering the situation maybe it wasn't very long at all. on this side of it, all i can say is, it works. we just have to allow it, it's not that we actually DO it. which is a relief, because honestly, there are times when we just can't. not alone.

ALSO, other reasons why today is great:
we had bacon for dinner (seriously, how could any day be bad when you're eating bacon? i'll start the diet tomorrow;) haha)
and, marian made a marshmallow/toothpick flower for me to enjoy:

it's business time

i have been considering the idea that it's about time to care about my body again, and stop letting myself go. today that idea was reinforced and i now feel the urgent need to do so asap. there are 2 reasons for this new motivation. i'm sure y'all's (2 APOSTROPHES IN 1 WORD!!! is this even real?) next question is "please, Please, PLEASE, tell us what 2 things created this urgent need to lose some body fat!!!" since i'm a kind blogger, i will oblige.

1. today i shot a wedding. i pulled my wedding pants off the hanger and put them on. all was well, if tight, until i tried to button them up. after struggling with the three buttons for literally 5 minutes, i had to lay down on my bed to be able to button the pants. it still took a minute or two. thus, i didn't engage in any activity that required the unbuttoning of those pants for the next 8 hours (i.e. peeing).

2. at said wedding, the adorable flower girl came up to me and we exchanged this dialogue:
girl: what's your name?
me: heather. what's yours?
girl: why do you have no dad?
me: well he just isn't here!?
girl: oh.. what's his name?
me: damon. what is your name?
girl: autumn. do you have a baby?
me: nope i don't! why? do i look like i would have a baby?
girl: yes, in there.

she looked pointedly at my belly. she is the 3rd kid in the past couple of months to ask about my nonexistent pregnancy.

la la la.


^this is my first attempt at slow sync flash photography, i taught myself today through google. :)

also, everyone should feel bad for me (let out a collective sigh of pitty now) because i got lost driving home tonight and it took 1.5 hours in stead of .5 because i'm an idiot sometimes. i don't know how i got where i got instead of where i should have been. sadly, no titanic binge happened on account of getting home late and exhausted, and also no full length movie online.

i've concluded that i need an iphone. knowing my luck, even if i had one, the battery would have been dead in the getting lost situation, or i would be out of service and have no access to internet, or my car would run out of gas so it wouldn't matter anyway.

yes please:

finally saw "inception" last night, thanks to my friend jonathan. swoon:

my love for dicaprio that was blazing during my "titanic" obsession a couple of years ago has rekindled. marry me!

i have a wedding this evening.. i'm totally excited for it, and afterwards i think i'm gonna have a titanic binge.. so basically today's gonna be AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

just something to think about:

i took marian on a quick shoot tonight because the sky was incredible and the temple gorgeous. i love living right behind a temple, it's a great life:)

cheap entertainment

just a few new favorite awkward family photos from tonight's browsing:)

a bit of comic relief from life.

also:

and then this:

favorite quotes:
"ahhh! why did i need coffee now?!"
"see, my lil' knee"
"maybe i should faint.. but i don't"
"mi amigos, mi amigos! nobody said nothin"

now watch:

and:


thought i'd share these funnies that have been making me laugh recently:)