i stand all amazed

"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me... That he should extend his great love unto such as I, Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify..."



also, yesterday i made a pb&j sandwich for sophia and then cut it in half. as soon as i did she indignantly said "you KILLED it!"
aha:)

it's the climb

as miley cyrus so eloquently put it, "there's always gonna be another mountain, i'm always gonna wanna make it move, always gonna be an uphill battle" but i disagree with her conclusion, it's not completely about the climb. i would say it's also about the view when you get to the top and see where you've arrived because of the climb. this is life, people. what does yours look like? i like to imagine mine is somewhat like this:

(photo by: dino olivieri)

it's beautiful, filled completely with peaks and valleys that take my breath away. even the shadows are necessary to add to the beauty and give depth to this view.

have you ever felt like you're climbing a mountain and just when you reach the top and think you can start the down haul to ease and happiness, you realize you're stuck in the alps and there is always another mountain ahead to climb? yeah, i have too.

you have a choice: you can cry out in despair at the immense journey ahead, OR you can breathe, look around with big, open eyes, and realize that you're in the midst of absolute beauty. if you chose the second, for sure you still have to climb, up and down. it's never going to be easy, and you will still struggle to make your way. there will be moments when you are so far from the top that all you can do is climb with faith that you will be able to see the journey for what it really is when you reach a peak. this faith combined with the work of continuing to climb, will get you to the peaks. there WILL be those moments of clarity and rejuvenation when you get a glimpse of the entire scene, a glimpse of your life in it's entirety. you'll see where you've been, the dark you've passed through, the light you've been blessed with. you'll see where you're going, more darkness, even more light.

it's the moments when we're lost in the dark, steep places that make the peaks and open valleys so amazing. it's the paths that are slippery, cold, and wet that give us appreciation for the steps we take as we emerge into the sunlight at the top of a ridge.

just because mountains are hard to climb, their impressive grander or the sense of supreme accomplishment you should have when conquering them is not diminished. you can look at the sticks and thorns on the path right at your feet, or lift your eyes and take in the entire view.

thank God for mountains!

eyes

sophia was stroking my face and my hair this morning. she kept touching my eyebrows and finally said "i love your pricking eyes!!"
thank you, sophia, as usual. :)

also, if you EVER need an epic drive, listen to E.S. Posthumus. my fav song is "manju" but "arise" is also really good if you like movie-intense instrumental music. the other night on the drive back from provo, i rolled my window down and let my hand fly outside in the cold air while listening to this. it was.. epic. i owned the world for 3 minutes and then my ipod died so i rolled up my window and went home.

last night i reconnected with an old friend. it was one of the best closure experiences of my life. i am still in shock over how happy i am about that conversation, how healing it was.

heavenly father loves me. despite everything that has been going on the past 3 months, there have been so many tender mercies, so many moments of undeniable care. where would i be without the gospel of Jesus Christ? i don't think i would have had the motivation to survive high school, or even college without his love. i was thinking about creating a profile on mormon.org but haven't yet. the questions on there got me thinking though. maybe i'll answer some of them on here.

i've been reading "the continuous atonement" by brad wilcox, and "drawing on the powers of heaven" by grant von harrison. both excellent. everyone should read them.

things i'm grateful for:
mountains to drive through
sophia&co
my own room (i haven't had one before the past two months since.. elementary school)
a certain friend who loved me even when i wore this every day, and who i can still talk to about anything:

october

you know. just a normal day here.

next week is going to be BUSY! 3 photo shoots: 2 engagements, 1 wedding. families through the rest of the month. doing okay.

tonight i'm meeting with clients who are getting married in a couple of weeks.

also seeing a couple of old friends and my grandma. it'll be good.

lots of pondering happening lately. i tried writing some of  my thoughts last night an then changed my mind. it's too hard to organize the chaos into words right now.

epic night

boo! another night of sleeplessness! i didn't fall asleep until 4:30am yesterday, so of course i slept in.. until a stupid FLY kept dive-bombing my face! not kidding, a fly was in my room and if i didn't cover my face it would land on me. it woke me up and scared me so many freaking times this morning. SO annoying. in my half delirious state i realized it's probably because i smelled. i had a massage earlier and had coconut oil all over including in my hair because of the scalp massage.. soo worth it but still, couldn't keep the darn thing off me.

tonight however, was amazing. i was in provo and got to hang out with a few of my best friends. being with them feeds my starving soul. also, tonight coincidentally fed my body, because amie and maloree threw a chocolate party. more later. i'm passing out. and have a bit more important info to share: the drive home was EPIC. soundtrack was e.s. posthumus. manju is my favorite song, i wildly conducted it to keep myself awake. people stared. also listened to "arise" and stuck my arm out the window; i was flying, i was queen, i had the world in my arms.

lists. which i love.......

(fyi, this post just follows my thought process.. i'm thinking thoughts straight through to my fingers)

things i consistently look forward to EVERY single day.
- brushing my teeth
- opening my computer
- checking google analytics after midnight to see the stats (i.e. how many stalkers i had that day)
- eating
- getting in my amazing bed.
- falling asleep. i had a realization about my awful sleep habits: i rarely, RARELY go to sleep unless my body makes me. by that i mean, i physically shut down. there is no possible way i can stay awake no matter what. i have yet to discover the reasons, sometimes i can't sleep, sometimes i don't want to sleep for various reasons, sometimes there is actually something going on worth staying up for.. you know! there's just never a reason to actually go to sleep until i HAVE to.. i mean, besides the whole take-care-of-yourself-so-you-live-past-45 bizniss.

interestingly enough, most of these have to do with my night time routine. eating, always. brushing teeth, several times a day (i'm a nutter about it), computer, always. but none of these are a day-only activity and when i was thinking about them they were associated with post-6oclock. maybe that's my problem. i don't appreciate or really enjoy anything that is a consistent part of the majority of my day. sad! now i'm currious. new list:

things that consistently happen EVERY single day minus above list.
- peeing
- txting
- thinking about the future
- thinking about the past (if this were eliminated i'd be 80% more productive, probably. just a thought)
- guilt

really? that's it? hmm. wow. REALLY?

i mean, there are things that happen frequently, like playing with sophia, scratching evan's head, running (a new addition to my life!), finding music, driving to provo, photo shoots, etc. but this list is a compilation of all of the things i can think of off the top of my head that absolutely happen every single day. there are some important things missing i just realized.

i enjoy making lists. more lists:

top 3 songs on my itunes with most plays.
- "here we go" mat kearney (51 plays)
- "closer to love" mat kearney (48 plays)
- "virginia" chris merritt (47 plays)
- as an interesting side note, number 28 (out of 2764) is "i'm so paid" by lil wayne.. what does this say about me? so much i think.. ha. lil wayne ties with the karaoke version of owl city's "fireflies" and beats out joshua radin's "streetlight" by 1 play.

bucket list-esque
- 365 project (take a self portrait every day for a year. alternatively you can be more simple and have it be 1 photo a day, any subject)
- flippin travel. see europe. apparently it's the place to be, since that's where everyone else travels to, and the US seems to get the least immigrants from there in recent years. so, there must be something worth while about it.
- make a profound difference somehow, somewhere, to someone.

thanks, sophia

i took a nap this afternoon/evening to sleep off the sick. when i woke up i walked out of my room into the basement and sophia greeted me. she looked up at me and said "oh! you look cute!" i was in my full sweats uniform, i actually have a picture from winter semester that pretty much illustrates me currently minus the sick look:


thanks sophia. i have self esteem today because of you. ;)